Almost
by carlycarter
Summary: Story of Secrets. StevieGraceReganTess ...Also incl Alex and Dave
1. Chapter 1

Almost 1 

Grace very quickly saw her sisters mood change from one of love and concern to one of frustration, and anger. That often happened when the two of them spoke. Grace did it too. Like the message she had left for Regan yesterday. What she wanted to say was _'__I really really need to talk to you, I really need you, Stevie really needs you, Please please please please answer your phone_.' But instead she had left an angry message filled with words that she could not repeat aloud in front of Tess McLeod. Tess stood there now, at Regan's side. The two of them standing opposite Grace and Stevie. Yet Tess and Stevie had yet to utter a single word. It seemed that they may as well not be here. It was a fight between Regan and Grace alone, it always had been.

Grace tried to focus her attention on Stevie. She could feel Stevie's tension rising by the second and wondered how long before she would she say something stupid, do something stupid, or turn and run. Maybe they should both run. Why was Stevie now so uncomfortable anyway? She was the one who wanted Regan here, she was the one who called for her, she was the one who started this whole thing days ago, coming down the stairs just like everything was normal, sitting at the kitchen table, looking up and asking simply, "_Where is Regan_?"

It wasn't Stevie who cracked first, it was Tess butting in to play peacemaker. Grace didn't like her cousin. She had a bad feeling the moment they had met, which was just last week when Tess came for a stay at Drovers Run. And day by day Tess looked at her with ever increasing judgement and disapproval. Tess looked to Stevie, for some reason those two seemed close. And to Stevie she looked with compassion. Then she turned her gaze back to Grace accusingly.

"Lets all calm down." Tess said, to which Grace replied "Shut up."

"Talk to me, why don't you just tell me what's going on?" Regan tried very hard to take a deep breath and a more gentle approach, perhaps more for Stevie's sake than anything else. And Stevie just stood there, uncharacteristically still and silent. This alarmed Regan somewhat, and perhaps she started to wonder what was going on. Maybe it wasn't some stupid game, some silly prank, some ridiculous trouble that Stevie and Grace had found themselves in as they often tended to do being both quick to speak, and slow to learn.. The two of them were like children at times, badly behaved children. Regan often had to bail them out of whatever mess they made for themselves. They seemed to be a bad influence n one another, and she was honestly sick and tired of picking up after them. It had been a relief that Tess had arrived, some sensible adult company. Someone she didn't have to play mother to all the time. Someone who didn't challenge her every word so defensively. She loved Grace, but she was pushing her to the limit.

Grace kicked the ground with her shoes and bit her tongue, wanting to scream the answer to the question. '_I don__'__t tell you what__'__s going on, Regan, because she, who came down the stairs looking for you, she who begged me to call you, she doesn__'__t want me to tell you, she__'__s angry with me that you are both here. So I don__'__t know why you are all looking at me for the answers. Ask her.__'_And Grace wanted nothing more than to turn to Stevie at that point and dump the whole thing on her. After all, she started it. But she didn't. She realised she needed to tread carefully. And for once in her life she stopped to think before she opened her mouth.

Grace did look to Stevie thought, as if to ask her '_Well, what do you want me to say to them now Stevie? You make me call her and turn around and hate me for it, and now you stand there silent leaving me to explain. What do you want me to say?__"_ Stevie looked away, and Grace realised she would get no help there.

Grace shrugged her shoulders in defeat. She felt she should say something to Regan. Something like _'__Sorry you came all this way, sorry for all the trouble, sorry I cant tell you.__'_But she wasn't sorry at all really. She was angry.

At Stevie she was frustrated, but she pushed that aside. It was Regan who made her blood boil.

And all because Regan wasn't where she was supposed to be. Because for two days Grace had called her and called her and called her again, and Regan hadn't even bothered to answer. Because she waited, for first time in her life truly needing Regan to come through for her, and Regan let her down. And she was angry at herself, for being so hurt by it. And none of these things could she say out loud. So she shrugged her shoulders in silence and waited.

Regan saw something in her sisters eyes. Something she hadn't seen for over 20 years.. And she knew instantly that the images haunting her own mind were haunting Grace too. More than anything she wanted to reach her sister, to tell her I remember too. To tell her I'm sorry. 20 years later and I am still so sorry. But 20 years later and it was still an unspoken subject.


	2. Chapter 2

Almost 2

Regan remembered the day clearly, or thought she did. She had had tried so hard not to forget, not a single thing, but her child mind could only take in so much, the rest she added on over the years in the lonely hours she spent remembering.

_She remembered it snowing, as it did rarely in her hometown. Remembered her brand new red mittens, but how she wished they were green like the ones Grace had. She remembered yelling at Grace to button her jacket, but Grace was stubborn and head strong even at that young age and folded her arms and said no. Regan remembered putting Evan's boots on, although he was squirming and not co operating in the least. It was harder than it looked trying to squish those three year old feet into those tiny black boots. The little blue beanie on his head covering his blond curls, he looked so innocent and small. He hadn't seemed so small that day of course. But as time went on and she herself grew, she looked back to find him smaller and smaller, just a baby really. She liked to think she stopped in that moment, just to look at him, to love him, to burn his picture into his mind. But in reality she hadn't. She had cursed under her breath that she couldn't get his boots on, and turned her attention to Grace, jumping up and down, hurrying her along. _

"_Regan, Hurry up! I've never seen snow in my whole life! Hurry up! I wanna go outside." Her sister nagged her._

"_I'm trying to hurry." Regan answered, "And button your jacket.". Regan told her still trying to put Evan's foot in those impossible small boots. Years later she still remembered holding his tiny warm foot in her hands as he looked down to her laughing. And instead of smiling up at him, just enjoying him and loving him, she had scolded him. _

"_Stop it, hold still." She yelled and forcefully pulled the boot on as the little boy squealed "Ouch."_

_She remembered the cold air hitting her as she opened the door. She remembered taking Grace by one hand and Evan by the other, her own hands seeming so big compared to her young siblings. She remembered Evan squirming away and throwing himself down in the snow, laughing with glee only a small child is capable of. And Grace, standing still, holding her hand. Regan looked down to see tears in her sisters eyes._

"_What's wrong Grace?" She asked_

'_I'm scared of snow." Grace had answered. "Please lets go inside. I don't want to be here." _

"_There is nothing to be scared of. Don't be silly." Regan responded as she dragged the girl by the hand outside thinking her young sister was strange indeed. _

_Years later she would be haunted by that moment, Grace begging her to go inside, 'Please please come inside, its warm there, its safe there, please take us inside, I'm scared, and I don't want to be here, take us inside and everything would be ok.'_

_Regan wondered, almost every day since then, how Grace had known to be scared, and why she hadn't listened to her. Why Grace had trusted her, and why Grace had followed her. Every day thinking, if only. Everyday thinking that for a brief moment looking into her sisters frightened eyes, feeling the cold uninviting air on her face, she had almost turned around and taken them all back inside. Almost. _


	3. Chapter 3

Almost 3

Regan looked at her sister, raising her arms in the air. "Well what do you want me to do with that Grace?" Yes Regan was angry now too. And somehow that made Grace feel better.

Regan looked to Grace for an answer, and Grace looked to Stevie. And none of them spoke. Tess spoke up then, sweet and calm and irritating "Perhaps we should all go home…" She began.

"Shut up." Grace snapped at her "No one asked you to come here."

"I asked her to come here" Regan answered in defence of Tess. For Grace to attack her was one thing, to start on Tess was another.

Grace shook her head, growing more agitated by the second, pacing back and forth in the small room. Yes it figured Regan would have invited her. For the life of her Grace could not figure out why Regan and Stevie thought the sun shone out of Tess.

"Maybe you don't realise it Grace." Regan began sincerely trying to keep her voice calm. It was doing no good to let things escalate. "But Tess and I are here because we care. When you two take off like that with no word to anyone for days, people worry about you. Don't you think we've been worried sick? You didn't take anything with you, not even your wallet, we found Stevie's car abandoned on the side of the road, you didn't call, you didn't leave a note. What the hell are we supposed to think happened to you?"

If Regan expected an apology, she wasn't going to get it.

"I didn't call?!" Grace asked incredulously raising her voice. "I called you a million times Regan. A million times! You didn't get my messages?? You are the one who took off to God knows where, cant even turn your phone on! You didn't tell us where you were going either did you??!"

"I know I'm sorry." Regan conceded. Yes she had left for a few days, and yes she hadn't turned her phone on. And she was glad that at least Grace was speaking to her and she seemed to be getting somewhere. She knew she should stay silent and leave it at that, but she had to defend herself. "I had the phone off. I went away for a few days, Tess knew how to reach me. And you could have called Drovers just once Grace to let us know you weren't lying dead in a ditch someplace. I'm sure you remember the phone number, you just had to pick up the phone and call, and at least the rest of us would have been able to sleep at night. But you don't give a shit about anyone but yourself."

Perhaps she should have called Drovers. For a number of reasons she hadn't, and the biggest one was standing right next to her sister.

"Well I'm sorry." Grace said, not very heartfelt, but it was an apology none the less. "Believe me I'm sorry, I'm not so god danm perfect as you Regan. That's actually why I called you. Many times. Because I didn't know what to do, because I needed you, and you cant even be bothered to turn your fucking phone on let alone spare a second thought about me and Stevie. You're the one who doesn't give a shit Regan"

"Grace, get over it. I'm sorry about the phone. Can we move on. Please?" Regan stopped and took a deep breath. "You know I would drop anything if you needed me. Tess knew how to reach me and if you needed me you could have called Drovers."

"Right" Grace said, making it clear that she didn't believe a word of it.

"Look Grace, you haven't needed me for the last 15 years, so no, I didn't think twice about going away for a few days alright? And I'm really sick of these childish games, I've had enough. Maybe you think its funny that we've all been worried sick about you for days, thinking you were dead or worse, and all you can do is stand there and attack me."

Stevie stepped forward and spoke finally, sensing that Grace was at the end of her rope. "Don't be angry Regan, its my fault not hers."

After all Grace was not really at fault, and Stevie had stood silently long enough and let her take the blame. Yes Grace wasn't being very friendly, but that was just Grace. Regan should know that, Regan should know to calm down and that this wasn't helping. And to Stevie it seemed that Grace wasn't the one attacking her, just defending herself. That's how she saw it. Her and Grace saw the world differently to the way Regan and Tess did. Grace was right, the two of them were so perfect And held such high standards for everyone else. Grace had called Regan, many times, which is more than Stevie would have done at all. She was long past the point of caring who thought she was lying dead on the roadside.

Stevie took a step towards Regan. She did feel bad that she had caused so much trouble, that the others had been worried, and that now she had caused yet another argument between Regan and Grace. She was the one who begged Grace to come with her, she was the one who begged her to call Regan, she was the one who didn't want to call Drovers, she was the one who now that Regan was standing there suddenly didn't want her to be, she was the one who started this whole thing just by walking down the staircase that night and asking "Where is Regan?"

"I'm not angry. With anyone. I just want to know what's going on." Regan responded.

It seemed a fair thing to ask after coming all this way. But it was not like Stevie had any words to explain it. She turned to look to Grace, for the answers, for the words. And even before she saw the empty space behind her, she knew Grace had disappeared.


	4. Chapter 4

Almost 4

In a moment, Stevie stood as if she was torn, which she was not. Her every instinct was to run after Grace. Not so much for Grace, but so she herself could escape the questioning eyes of Regan and Tess. But for a moment she stood, thinking to herself that this was not at all how she imagined it should have been. Not that night she had come downstairs looking for Regan. She hadn't known what exactly she would have said to Regan that night, only that the words somehow would have come easier then than they seemed to now. Because then it would have been simple, or so it seemed. And now it was hard to believe she was the same person as only those few days ago. It was hard to explain the things she had done, because somehow she couldn't believe she had done them. Yet she felt somehow bound to explain something, because it really wasn't fair to let Regan be angry at Grace. Not after everything Grace had done for her in the last few days. And yet, much like Grace, it seemed so much easier to turn and run. It was all too hard. And somehow she couldn't bring herself to say anything without Grace standing by her side.

Tess bothered her more than anything. She wasn't supposed to be here. It had been a sign, Tess showing up here this week. It was meant to tell her something,. She took it the wrong way at first. She often took Tess the wrong way. She loved her dearly. But when she saw her arrive on the doorstep of Drovers, it was only fear that seized her. Only the fact she felt suddenly so small, so insignificant, so not a McLeod. And words sprang into her mind. Cruel words from long ago that Tess would doubtless not even remember. And she tried to push them aside, to remember Tess who had given her a home, Tess who gave her a stake in Drovers Run, Tess who could have sold her out to Harry Ryan, Tess who gave her hope for the future. She resented Tess most for that, giving her hope. That insidious hope that had taken hold of her heart and was so hard to shake. That hope that brought only disappointment and heart break. Something of that strange hope she had always seen in Claire, in Tess, in Regan, in Grace. That hope that somehow woke her in the early hours of that cold dreary morning.

_She sat abruptly in the darkened room, having woken from a nightmare. Glancing at the clock it was 2am. She sat tapping her fingers on the bed side table for a few moments. Not really thinking. Just sitting. Just waiting. It was quiet. But not quiet enough. She wondered if she was really sitting alone in her darkened room tapping her fingers on her bedside table, or was she still dreaming? Dreaming of all the mistakes she had made, all the things she had thrown away, all the things she could have made right and chose not to. Her waking thoughts seemed no more pleasant than her bad dreams and she wondered if she would ever find any respite from the things that haunted her. _

_At that strange moment in her sleep deprived tormented state of mind, there seemed one way out, one way to some sort of salvation and peace. The truth. The truth might save her, might make things right. Just in a small way make some things right, which seemed all she could hope for. And with that in mind she stood to her feet uncertainly. She could not sit a minute longer, haunted by the images that filled her dreams. Haunted by words she had not spoken. The words needed to be heard. _

_There were things she could not fix. Most of all, she could do nothing about him. The man that filled her dreams, captured her heart and shattered it to pieces before throwing it back in her face. Nothing she could do to take back the things she had done, or the things he had done in return. Nothing she could do to make that right. But the rest of her life, and she insistently reminded herself she did indeed have a life before she had him, the rest of it could be made right. She would go on without him. She was more than just the reflection of herself she saw in his eyes. And for herself, for Rose, for Regan, Grace, Kate and Tayler, she would do her best to fix things, even thought she couldn't take them back. _

_She opened her bedroom door, light from the hallway filling the room suddenly, and she felt her perspective shift dramatically. The light made such a difference. And over and over and over she asked herself . "What have I done?" _

_Her every step was filled with uncertainly, when only hours ago she had been so sure she had done the right thing. Nothing would have changed her mind, no one would. Almost nothing, and almost no one. Her whole life has been like that. So driven by 'almost'. Almost, but not quite. Maybe next time, maybe later, maybe tomorrow. And 'almost' hadn't seemed like enough. Not enough to mean anything anymore. But suddenly, standing in the doorway in the early hours of the morning, almost seemed like more than enough. Almost seemed like too much to throw away recklessly without at least trying to make things right. _

_She crept out of her room not wanting to be heard by just anyone. She passed the door to Tess room and peered inside. Tess was sleeping, and that was good. Because right at that moment she told herself it had nothing whatsoever to do with Tess. She had set the ball rolling well and truly before Tess showed up unannounced. Tess was nothing to do with anything anymore. But still she couldn't shake that feeling that it meant something. Tess being here now. Of all the days to turn up, why today? But she shook her head and softly closed the door to Tess room, not wanting her to be disturbed by whatever was about to happen. Of all the things she didn't not want to be thinking about, Tess was near the top of that list. Not the very top, that spot was reserved for him. But near the top, that's for sure. _

_Putting thoughts of Tess behind her, she crept along the hallway to Regan's room. She stopped to wonder briefly if Regan would mind being woken in the middle of the night. She decided probably yes. But she would do it anyway. Somehow she needed some sense more than anything, to escape from all this maddening confusion, and Regan would surely bring sense. Besides, the she knew it had to be now. She would have neither the courage or the opportunity to speak later. And more than she knew anything else in that moment, she knew it was Regan whom she needed to speak the truth to. _

_She stood outside in the hallway, suddenly remembering strange moments from her childhood. Nights she would wake up alone and scared after dreaming some bizarre dream. Wanting to call out to her parents, to go and wake them, but she never did. Sometimes she would throw something across the room she shared with Michelle, trying to wake her sister with a loud noise so that she wouldn't be alone, in the dark, wondering if the morning would ever come. She briefly considered throwing something now to wake Regan up. And then she would act very innocent and say 'By the way Regan, since you're awake, I have something to tell you.' And it seemed somehow that would be the easiest thing to do. It wouldn't sound so big then, so important. But she wanted least of all to wake Tess, so she took a breath and knocked gently on Regan's door. _

_She was somehow relieved to find Regan's room empty. Perhaps it meant she wasn't meant to speak now. Perhaps it meant she could go back to her dark room and console herself that she tried. Or perhaps it meant that Regan was already awake, and that now was indeed the right time. The only time. After hearing noises downstairs she decided the latter was likely. She had come this far, and slowly descended the stairs as if she was no longer in control of her actions. _


	5. Chapter 5

Almost 5

Faced with her limited choice, to run with Grace, or face Regan and Tess, Stevie bolted after Grace. That was the easiest choice she had made all week. She still wondered, even one week later, if she was still dreaming. Maybe she hadn't woken up that night, maybe she hadn't come down the stairs, those stairs, looking for Regan, maybe Regan hadn't been gone, maybe Grace hadn't been there, maybe she was still lying in that dark room alone, dreaming her life away. She wished it were so.

She wished Grace hadn't turned to her in the early hours of the morning and asked her that question she had asked. Wished she hadn't asked it twice. Because it was easy enough to lie the first time, but the second time she was caught off guard. She wished she never answered, she wish she hadn't dragged Grace into this, wished Grace hadn't come with her, wished she had just gone back where she came from…wished most of all not to be standing before Regan and Tess, or to run outside and find Grace sitting against the wall in tears.

Stevie hadn't expected to find Grace so upset. Arguing with Regan was a common pass time for Grace. But this time there was something deeper behind it, and she couldn't help but feel responsible.

"I'm sorry Grace." Stevie said sitting cautiously beside her friend, as Grace tried hastily to wipe away her tears.

"Its not your fault." Grace replied looking away.

Yeah it kinda is, Stevie thought to herself, but asked aloud that same question Grace had asked her in the early hours of the morning that day in the kitchen. "What's up?"

She half expected Grace to answer in the same way she had, 'nothing', but instead Grace turned to her and said "I can't believe you of all people ask me that."

"Sorry." Stevie apologised again, it was a dumb question, and one she knew the answer to, or so she thought.

"Nevermind, nothing is wrong, not anymore, it all turned out just fine." Grace answered less than sincerely. She paused for a moment, and then added "I am glad things are ok. And I'm not sorry that…." Grace couldn't finish the sentence.

"Ok?" Stevie asked, wondering if anything would be ok again. Wondering if it would be better if things had gone a little differently that day in the kitchen. "You're really that upset?" Stevie asked her.

"I'm not upset, I'm angry." Grace answered.

"Well you should be, and I'm sorry." Stevie apologised for the third time.

"Not with you, with her." Grace answered

"Regan?"

"Yes, Her."

"You're angry at her and not at me?" Stevie asked disbelievingly.

"Why would I be angry at you?" Grace asked confused. She wondered sometimes if she and Stevie were on the same wavelength.

Why indeed? Stevie wondered. I just dragged you into my living nightmare, and keeping my secret for me had turned your sister against you.

"She should have been there." Grace said simply.

"Well, she wasn't, and we survived." Stevie said gently.

"We shouldn't talk like this." Grace said standing to her feet.

Stevie stood also "Why not? You're not even going to talk to me now?"

"I've been talking to you for days, non stop for days, who else has been there talking to you, not Regan that's for sure." Grace answered defensively.

"You talk but you don't say anything." Stevie told her "Is this how it's going to be from now on?"

"I guess so, so just go with them, all of you just leave me alone."

"You're angry Regan wasn't there when you wanted her to be, and now you want her to go?" Stevie asked.

"It's too late for her to make it up to us." Grace answered

"Don't drag me into this." Stevie replied quickly, and instantly regretted it. She reminded herself it was her who dragged Grace along for the ride, not the other way around. She owed a debt to Grace, and whatever Grace saw fit to drag her into, she would just have to live with it.

"I wasn't talking about you." Grace answered softly as words rung in her head. Stevie's words from days ago. She didn't dare to speak them aloud, after extending so much effort to convince Stevie how untrue and ridiculous they were. But in that moment Grace realised finally, that Stevie had a point.

And for the first time Stevie stopped to look outside herself and her own problems. For the first time she realised that this wasn't about her, and it relieved her somehow to know it wasn't the last week that had upset Grace so much, it was something more, something long ago. Something unspoken and unspeakable that had laid dormant for years.


	6. Chapter 6

Almost 6

_She counted them, the stairs, in the way that she always did. Fifteen, Fourteen, Thirteen, Twelve, Eleven, Ten, Nine, Eight, Seven, Six. Her heart racing faster, and her footsteps slowing as she neared the place. Five, Four, Three, Two…And then she stopped in a moment, in that place. The place he had held her and kissed her so lovingly. Only one hundred and forty-nine nights ago, but it seemed like another lifetime. But she could still taste him in the air. Still feel the chill from her wet hair, the warmth of his jacket around her, the safety of his embrace. It felt so right. So wrong. And so right. And so over too quickly. And so almost. In the privacy of the early morning hours she allowed herself to do what she never did. To linger a moment on that step and close her eyes. To feel his strong hands on her face. She grabbed hold of the railing to steady herself. And in the forbidden darkness she could almost feel his lips against her own. _

_She told herself silently 'Its over, its all over, it was never real, forget him.' And she wanted to forget everything. To forget him, to forget Regan, to go back to her dark isolated room, close her eyes, and be alone in her hopelessness. She stepped forward, away from that staircase, not allowing herself to look back. Sheer curiosity motivated her now. And gave her brief respite from her own living nightmare. It didn't matter especially if she wanted to talk to Regan or not anymore. But just what was Regan doing at this hour of the morning. _

_As she entered the kitchen she realised it was not Regan at all, but Grace. In her mind a strange scene flashed before her eyes. A scene of Tess coming down into the kitchen to find her raiding the refrigerator in the middle of the night, much like Grace was doing now. And a horrifying thought struck her. This was some strange parallel universe where she was Tess, and Grace was her. It seemed no matter where she turned, Tess was there. And tonight of all nights that seemed significant, no matter how much she told herself that it meant nothing._

_She was about to ask Grace what she was doing, but remembering that was the exact question Tess had asked her all those years ago, she bit her tongue. It was rather obvious anyway and she didn't much care. She sat slowly and silently at the table and Grace smiled at her in this extraordinary energetic way that seemed so unnatural for 2am. _

"_Where is Regan?" Stevie asked her finally._

_Grace was unable to answer right away, being that her mouth was full of food._

"_Asleep I guess." Grace answered finally._

"_No, she isn't." Stevie told her._

_Grace shrugged her shoulders "Well well well. She's a big girl."_

"_Aren't you worried?" Stevie asked her._

"_No. I'm jealous. Wish I had some place to go on Saturday night."_

_Stevie realised she wasn't worried either. It was just that she needed Regan to be here. Regan was always here. And she didn't quite know what to make of the face that she was gone. Suddenly, knowing that she wouldn't be able to, it seemed the most important thing in the world that she speak to Regan. But it was too late. Much like everything else. Her strange vision of this midnight conversation she simply had to have with Regan right now, would just be one more of those things that almost happened. _

_Regan stood on the side of the deserted road at 2am, rather enjoying the peace, the quiet, the space that somehow never seemed to find at Drovers Run. There was always some one around, some crisis, some drama. And the recent events with Lyle had shaken her more than she liked to let on to the others. She also felt it awkward around Kate, seeing the way Dave had broken her heart, it reminded her of her own shattered future she dreamed of with that man. She had only planned to go out for a while, just for a drive to have some space. She would be back in the morning long before the other woke up and anyone even missed her. But she hadn't planned on her car breaking down. She contemplated ringing Drovers for someone to collect her, but she didn't want to wake anyone, it would look strange that she had gone out alone in the middle of the night. She would just sit tight and wait until the morning. _

_She hadn't factored on anyone driving past this road at this time of morning. She was somewhat relieved, and some what frightened when a stranger pulled over to help her. It was as she watched him fixing her engine that it struck her. He was no stranger at all. In the moonlight she studied him as he worked silently, a million questions racing through her mind. He spoke little and smiled even less. _

_When he was done, and her car in working order again, she smiled and shook his hand to thank him. And he walked away to get back into his car. She called to him. She stopped him leaving. That's what she would come to remember later on. He was about to get in his car and drive away, maybe forever, maybe not, and now she would never know. _

"_Wait." She said coming up close to him._

_He stopped and she paused before continuing. "Who are you?" She asked, but already knowing the answer. _

"_I thought you would never ask." He answered, smiling for the first time. There was something so eerie, so familiar and frightening in his smile, yet something so inviting. And she knew in that moment, she would live to regret that question. _

Stevie and Grace sat silently for what seemed like hours before they saw Regan and Tess standing once again before them.

"I've had enough of this. We're going. If you're coming, Get in the car." Regan spoke coldly, and Tess stood beside her silently.

"We're coming." Stevie said, dragging Grace along behind her.

"WE are not coming." Grace answered.

"Fine, we're not coming." Stevie said stopping.


	7. Chapter 7

Almost 7

Those had been Grace exact words that night too, in the kitchen

"_Get in the car" Grace had said in the tone of voice that Stevie knew better than to argue with. Grace had been on the phone, for what seemed like hours. To someone that Stevie assumed at the time had been Regan. Only a week later did she come to realise it wasn't. _

_And after she had hung up, she turned to her and said "Get in the car." And Stevie made no protest. For some reason Stevie also didn't argue with, they took Stevie's ute. And for some reason Stevie made no protest as Grace took the keys and announced she was driving. Resigned to the fact this was not going to be one of the greatest days of her life, Stevie got in the passenger seat and sighed. Grace stopped suddenly before getting in the car and started walking away._

"_Where are you going?" Stevie asked her. _

"_To get Kate." She answered. Kate who irritated her more than anyone, more than anyone except for Regan. Well and Tess. Well now that Grace stopped to think, Kate wasn't that bad. Surely the best option she had at the moment. And the more she thought of it, Kate would be more use than Regan could have been if she were here. _

"_To get Kate? Kate Manfredi? Oh no way!" Stevie had told her_

"_She knows…things." Grace had said carefully. _

_Stevie didn't care to ask what things in particular Grace thought Kate Manfredi knew that might be of any use at this particular time. But she did put her foot down. "No way." She repeated getting out of the car herself. This was a bad idea. Surely the stupidest idea she had in at least the last 8 hours. _

_Grace stopped for a moment to consider the benefits and disadvantages of taking Kate with them. In the end, rather than waste time arguing about it, Grace gave in and got in the car. All the while one thing going through her mind, what would Regan have done? Regan would have taken Kate. Or Regan would have taken her, which was no help at all really, or Regan would have taken Tess. Tess who made her skin crawl. _

_Much as it irritated her, she had to ask. "We could bring Tess." Grace said softly, almost hoping Stevie wouldn't hear her. _

"_I would rather bring your goat." Stevie answered quickly, much to Grace's immense relief. _

_Much later, Grace would tell herself that the rest of the things that happened that night were not her fault. It wasn't her fault they didn't bring Kate, It wasn't her fault they didn't bring Tess, It was Stevie. She didn't want them to come. It was all Stevie's fault really. Almost all. Or so she tried to tell herself. _

_The two of them spoke little after that. _

"_Slow down." Stevie mumbled at one point, surprising even herself, she was not someone afraid of speed. _

"_What's it to you?" Grace asked._

_Well I would rather you didn't crash my ute and die on the roadside, Stevie thought. But shrugged, something out of the corner of her eye catching her attention, and she involuntarily held her breath. _

_Even before her eyes saw it, she sensed it, sensed him. His black ute crossing their path. He didn't even flash his headlights in the way he used to do. He just drove on as if they were invisible, or he were invisible. He didn't wave, he didn't beep his horn. All those things he used to do. All those things he would have done if he were passing any one else's car on the road. Little things like that she missed. Little everyday things that she had taken for granted. _

_Stevie wondered if she imagined it. She wanted to ask Grace if she had seen him too, but didn't want to spoil her illusion. She wondered where he was going, at this time of night, on the road between Killarney and Drovers. She hated herself for that flicker of hope- that forbidden thought. 'He is coming to see me'. She told herself she was crazy. He hadn't spoken to her in months. Not one word. Why would he be driving at 2am to see her? Maybe he came to see Tess, she reasoned. But even that was strange at 2am. Maybe he was just driving, just randomly driving around killing time, just happening to be on her road, heading in her direction. Or maybe, most likely, she had imagined the entire thing. _

"_We have to go back." Stevie said finally._

"_No way" Grace answered, throwing her own words back at her. _

_To Stevie it suddenly seemed the most important thing. Just to see him. To talk to him. Just to drive past him again and see him flash his lights or beep his horn or wave or even pull over to the side of the road just to say hi. Just to connect with him on some way. Just to pass by him one last time. It seemed the only thing that meant anything. _

_Stevie made a desperate grab for the steering wheel, aware it would take more than words to convince Grace to turn back now. Grace screamed out in surprise and horror as the car came to an abrupt holt in the middle of the road._

"_What the hell are you doing??" Grace asked her. _

"_What is HE doing?" Stevie shot back at her. _

"_How do I know? Forget him. Can we go? Please? Do you want him to follow us?" Grace asked her. _

_It was a difficult question. She wanted to say ' No no no, of course not, not tonight, not now, not here.' But somewhere, in a deeper place she wanted to say 'Yes yes yes, I want him to follow me everywhere.' It meant something seeing him on the road. _

_Instead she sat back saying nothing, thinking about him. Scared to look over her shoulder as Grace drove down the road, scared he was following, scared he wasn't. Once again everything came back to him. And she hated herself for that. And him. Hated him. Almost. _

"_Get in the car" he said to Regan standing on another roadside "Lets talk." _

"_I don't think so. Not here. Not now." She answered nervously. _

"_You're frightened of me." He stated._

"_No." She shook her head. _

"_Then come." He told her. _

_And she almost told him no. Almost turned around and got back into her own car and drove home. Almost turned away and never looked back. But she didn't._


	8. Chapter 8

_She thought she should begin by introducing herself though doubtless he already knew more about her than her name. However it seemed the fitting thing to do. "I'm Regan…." She uttered softly that night in his car_.

_"I know who you are." He answered firmly, but not as harshly as she expected. So much of this night had turned out unexpectedly. _

_"You came here for me." She stated rather than asked._

"No." He answered quickly. "I came for Stevie. I didn't know you would be here." If I was a better person I would have come looking for you, he thought to himself. But I didn't. I came to see Stevie and there you were. "I guess it's just fate."

_"You look like your father." Regan said finally, quietly. _

_And he realise that she knew not only where she had seen him before, but why. And somehow this whole situation was very wrong. The things she thought were so wrong. It wasn't her who should feel this guilt, it was him. At least part of it. Half. Yes exactly half of it was his. None of it was hers, but in her eyes he saw that she claimed it all for herself. And quickly he tried to find a way to free her from that without making trouble for anyone else. _

_"It wasn't your fault." He told her sincerely, not able to look her in the eyes as he spoke._

"I am sorry about your father." She told him, tears welling up in her eyes remembering that day those two men had lost their lives. It felt good to be able to say this to him. Thinking she had made peace with Tayler, and now with this man whose name she didn't even know.

_"Thank you." He replied. "But it wasn't your fault." _

_She nodded, remembering that the court had cleared her of any fault. Remembering the people who told her it wasn't her fault. Just like all those years ago those people telling her that what happened to Evan wasn't her fault. She didn't believe it. Either time. _

_"No Really. I should explain what really happened that day." He continued nervously._

"I know what happened" She answered. "I was the duty co ordinator, and I ordered a blast…" she couldn't go on.

"No, I mean what really happened. It wasn't an accident. That blast was meant to be fatal."

"Oh no!" She answered "I never ever meant for anyone to be hurt. Never." She tried to convince him.

_"No No No" He quickly assured her, "I don't mean you. It was deliberately set up by someone else."_

"I don't understand." She muttered.

"Someone else set up that blast knowing…" He paused looking for the words "Knowing what would happen."

Regan was speechless "Someone put those lives in danger? Deliberately?" Regan asked horrified.

"Yes." He answered.

_"Who?" she asked._

"I've said too much already." He looked away from her.

"You cant stop there. All those months I blamed myself. And now you tell me it was someone else? Who?"

"It doesn't matter now, the inquest is closed." He answered firmly

"I have to know." She pleaded with him.

"One of them." he answered.

"Them?" She asked

_"One of the two who died." He said softly._

"Which one?" She asked instantly.

_He shook his head, and she realised she would get no further than that. He drover her silently back to her car hoping he had laid her guilt to rest, not realising he had only stirred up so many more questions. She re-lived that day, over and over, trying to think, searching for clues. It all seemed so different now that Tayler was part of her life. That one man who died wasn't just a man, he was Taylers father. And now the other man had been brought to life by meeting his son. She racked it over in her brain as she drove, and only as she reached the driveway of home did she stop to wonder why he had come all this way to see Stevie. It would be the first thing she would ask Stevie as soon as they had a moment alone. Maybe she might get some more information. She wouldn't mention this to Tayler she decided instantly. She hadn't realised it then, but she wouldn't see Stevie that day, not for many days. And asking about that man or the bomb blast would be the furthest thing from her mind when they finally did speak alone. _

Grace could see Regan wasn't going to leave without her. Like that time she threatened to leave her at the ice cream shop. Grace knew she was bluffing that day. Maybe that was because Grace stole her wallet, and the thought of spending the day eating ice cream with Regan's money wasn't all that bad. Well this time it was more like Regan wasn't leaving tonight without Stevie, and Stevie wasn't leaving without Grace, and this whole thing was ridiculous standing at a freezing cold train station arguing. Regan just saw things so differently, like this was all some stupid game just to inconvenience her and Tess. Didn't she even get what was going on? Didn't she see that Grace had finally done it, finally made up for all those things she could never do on that cold winter day.

Regan stood there jingling the keys and tapping her foot. Tess just stood smiling pleadingly at Stevie which was incredibly irritating. Regan didn't even ask where they'd been or what happened. Actually she did ask, Grace reminded herself. Well she asked but she didn't care, Grace decided. Regan didn't have the first idea how close Stevie and Grace had come to something Grace had no words to even describe. But Regan would have no comprehension of that. She'd always thought them indestructible. Nothing would change that. It was the other way round really. Regan was the one who picked up her life after that cold winter day and never looked back. And it always struck Grace as odd that Regan thought of her as the strong one. Or so she had said.

That cold winter day is gone, but the blame and the guilt, lives on. Over the years Grace had confused herself which was around it went, who was to blame and who should feel guilty. It didn't seem to matter, it changed nothing, and thinking of it only blackened her heart. The thought that crossed her mind most was that it could have been her instead of Evan that day. That didn't scare her. It should have been her- That's what scared her more. It might have even been Regan, and that scared her most of all, even though they had virtually no contact for so many years, and even now standing screaming at a freezing cold train station, Regan was somehow all Grace had to hold on to.

If only Regan saw it that way. Regan was so untouched by that day. Her life went on so smoothly and so perfectly. She had gone to university, got a great job in her field. Exactly how she ended up at Drovers was a strange mystery to Grace, but Regan was still happy and successful. It made her jealous in a way. I_'m the one who belongs here, you cant even ride a horse Regan. _Grace had wanted to scream at her.

And Grace couldn't get rid of that spiteful thought that Regan had done all this, come to Drovers, invited her here, just to rub it in her face that she was so much better at her than everything. But Grace didn't care. Well, told herself she didn't. Grace told herself she'd rather know that she lived her life remembering that cold winter day. That day is gone. But she remembered, Regan didn't give a shit. And Grace tried to tell herself that made her the better person.

Grace looked around frustrated to Tess and Regan. It wasn't supposed to be Regan and Tess here, it was supposed to be him. But Grace had stalled as long as she could waiting for him. Maybe he wasn't even coming. She couldn't tell Stevie they were waiting for him. Much like she couldn't tell her that after everything that happened this week, Grace would be the one to stop her going home to Drovers. Stevie belonged there, even if Grace didn't, and for now they would just both have to go back to Drovers Run. Besides it was getting colder and colder. Colder than it should be at this time of year. And that cold wind on her face reminded her always of that cold winter day. No matter how many times she'd felt cold in her life, it always cut her the same each and every time. So Grace gave a slight nod of her head and the four of them got in the car.


	9. Chapter 9

_It had been the first and last time Grace had seen snow that day. She'd been told she'd been excited, by whom she couldn't remember as she had no vivid recollection of anyone talking about that day with her. But she had been told she had been excited. It was hard to remember that part. She remembered her blue jacket that she hated because it was Regan's hand me down and she wanted a new coat. She remembered Evan hitting her on the head with his toy robot and pinching him hard in return. He cried and Regan yelled at her. She protested that Evan had started it, but Regan never believed that. Evan was such a baby, he always cried and Grace never did. And somehow that made it seem it was never Evan's fault. And it all seemed so foolish and childish as she looked back upon it, but then reminded herself they were only children. Grace couldn't recall where her parents were that day. But that was not unusual. _

_Grace remembered it was Regan who woke her up that morning and told her to get dressed, she had something to show her. And so she did as she was told. Because as much as they fought, she did look up to Regan. She adored her and wanted to be everything like her. It wasn't like Jasmine or their mother gave any attention to Grace. Regan was the only one who cared. And that's why she was so angry with Regan for taking Evan's side all the time. Because Regan was all she had. And even Regan chose Evan over her. But still in the dawn of a new day she was intrigued by this surprise and dressed quickly. As she looked out the window she saw it was snowing. And she ran down the stairs anxious to go outside and see it. _

_She remembered waiting in the living room for the longest time. Angry at Evan because he wouldn't put his boots on. She had managed to put her own boots on. He was just being difficult. Grace had yelled at him then, something she couldn't even remember now. Some of her final words to him and she couldn't even remember them. They weren't nice, she remembered that. And Regan had yelled at her not to call her brother names. And she remembered most about that moment being so angry with them both and wanting to run out into the snow and never come back. She had said something nasty to Regan at that point too, something else she couldn't recall, and Regan told her to shut up or they wouldn't be going outside at all. So Grace had folded her arms in silence and stamped her foot on the ground. "I'll go outside if I want to, you cant stop me." She had said. 'You cant stop me.' Those words would come back to haunt her. 'You cant stop me Regan, you could never stop me.' "Button your jacket" Regan told her calmly refusing to get drawn into the fight which infuriated Grace all the more, so she had refused. _

_Somehow the three made it to the door and Evan ran off laughing, he was just laughing. He didn't care that he had hit her on the head with his robot, or that she had pinched him, or that Regan had yelled at him to put his boots on. He just ran for it and had fun. Grace remembered standing at the door with Regan, holding her hand. It was something she hated doing, she was too old to need to hold Regan's hand. But that day she did, telling herself it was just because her own hand was so cold. And she cried. Grace who never cried. To this day she didn't know what she cried at that minute. She didn't even cry at Evan's funeral. But that minute she cried. Watching him laugh and play, and holding tight to Regan's hand looking up to her big sister. _

_Regan looked at her like she was crazy, as Regan often did, and asked her what was wrong. It was a rare sight to see Grace in tears. Grace couldn't remember what she had answered. Only that she knew it was wrong to step out of that doorway, only that she knew they should all go back inside, only that she knew this was all wrong, that somehow things were about to change dramatically. But Regan hadn't listened, hadn't believed her. Regan assured her she was being foolish. And as stubborn as Grace McLeod was, she would have followed her sister to the ends of the earth. So, still clutching tight to Regan's hand, Grace had followed after her. _

She'd been so cold and so scared that day. And so right. Everything she had said that day had come true. Which was no consolation at all, but still the only thing she had to hold on to for all these years, and hold on to it tightly she did. She was right, Regan was wrong. Wrong, and she didn't even care. And Grace decided she'd rather be bitter and unsuccessful than cold and uncaring. Grace decided she didn't need a fancy job and money, she'd rather be that stupid kid floating from town to town with no place to call home. To be free. Much like Stevie had been before she came to Drovers.

And then her mind turned back to Stevie. She looked towards her, her eyes tired and vacant really, but Grace guessed there was so much going underneath. Grace couldn't help but smile at Stevie's determination to stay by Grace's side of this whole stupid fight out of whatever misplaced sense or debt Stevie felt she owed to Grace. It seemed odd after hearing Stevie tell her only days ago she wanted to kill her. So much had happened this last week. There would be so much to explain. Grace would have to start, that was clear and she was happy to. But it was Stevie who needed to tell the real story. And someone somehow had to get rid of Tess.

Regan turned around at that moment and looked at Grace in the back seat of the car. Grace looked back at her somehow needing her eyes to be cold and uncaring. But they weren't, They were open, and something else she had no words for. Something else she hadn't seen since her childhood days when she thought Regan could save the world. Walking away from Regan, from Drovers, wouldn't be possible, not now. Grace wished their paths hadn't crossed again. Almost. This was all Stevie's doing. She was the one who had brought them together. She was always the one who held them together. And Stevie was the one who had introduced her all those years ago to Claire McLeod. Grace had known all along who Claire was, who Jack McLeod was. But even at that age she was using her mothers maiden name, Kingston, and Claire never suspected a thing. Grace wondered if Claire even knew she had a cousin. And now she would never get that chance to ask her


	10. Chapter 10

Alex sat alone in that spot he had found Stevie's car abandoned that cold morning. He had done his best to search the area. He really had no idea where to begin looking for her after that. So he sat in the last place he knew she had been. And tried to think. Something must have happened. Something terrible. Stevie and Grace would not have disappeared like that without telling anyone, or taking anything with them. They wouldn't have gone knowing how much distress it caused everyone at Drovers. Something terrible had happened.

He stopped with that thought, not wanting to imagine all the horrors that could have happened to the two women. Instead he thought silently over all the missed opportunities he had to make things right with Stevie. He thought over all the time he had wasted. It seemed so stupid. He had been stubborn and head strong and arrogant. And he had thrown everything away. She had been stubborn too. And neither was willing to make the first move. But he would have given anything now to have the chance to make the first move, to admit he was wrong.

He sat silently, trying to send her some kind of unconscious message that he was looking for her, that he would find her, that everything would be ok. And as he lamented about his past mistakes he waited for some kind of sign or clue to fall into his lap.

He thought back to that night, if only he had done something differently. _He was the last one to see her. He drove often down that road to Drovers in the early hours of the morning. He hadn't slept properly for months. Each time he closed his eyes, there she was. He drove right up to Drovers Run. It tormented him, being so close to her, and yet so far. But it killed him more to be living awake alone in those dark lonely hours. So he began the pointless ritual of driving over to Drovers almost every night of the week. Just being there, close to her. So close, and yet so far. _

_Over and over he heard the words to a song, and he sang it softly to himself. "One day you'll call her and she will come running, fall in your arms, the tears will fall down and she'll say…"_

_But he couldn't remember the rest of the words. And he wasn't sure he wanted to know what she would say to him._

He didn't know how to approach her in daylight, didn't have the slightest idea where to begin. Nor even if he could. He'd seen her hatred in that dark stare directed at him, it gave a glimpse of her blackened heart. She wanted him gone. This time for good.

_She was good at shutting people out. And she had done it previously to him, many times. She did it to a lot of people. She built walls around herself, and walls around those walls, and it took a lot of effort and time to get inside. _

_But this time was different. He didn't see those walls. They were long gone. He'd knocked down each and every one. And now what was left when he looked into her eyes was just her. Clouded by nothing. Purely and simply her, broken and untouchable. And that scared him. Walls he could knock down. But now he stood face to face with her, he didn't have the first idea where to begin. He never thought there would be a day those walls would be gone and he still wouldn't be able to reach her. He was supposed to call and she would come running and fall into his arms. It hadn't worked that way. _

_He'd always been able to reach her, and she him. Almost._

She didn't want him too reach her , so he respected that, telling himself he was doing the right thing, doing what she wanted. Rather then telling himself he was a coward.

_And that night, he saw her for the first time since he had begun the ritual drive. She drove right past him. His heart quickened when he saw her ute, he almost swerved off the road. His first thought was that she was looking for him too! And then when she was gone as quickly as she had arrived, his heart sank. And his thoughts turned to the fact that he had been caught in his secret stalking ritual. _

_It seemed unreal, passing by her in the middle of the night. And for a while he kept on driving towards Drovers, even knowing she was not there. But Drovers wasn't Drovers without her, and he started to wonder where she had been going at this time of morning? Partly curious, and mostly not wanting to get caught hanging around outside Drovers at 2am, he turned around and headed back. _

_He found her ute along the road to town that morning. There was nothing inside it. Nothing to speak of. Just that silver nokia of Jodi's, and a jacket he recognised as belonging to Regan's sister, Grace. _

_Alarm bells rang in his head that very moment. Sitting in her car, touching her phone, something was wrong. He just knew it. He headed straight back to back to Drovers to wake them all. No one at Drovers knew anything. No one even knew they were gone until he arrived. And after that they knew only that Stevie, Grace and Regan were not home. The police weren't interested. No one seemed interested at first. Stevie and Grace did stupid things all the time apparently, which did not surprise him. Tess revealed finally that Regan had left early that morning- alone. _

_Days later when there was no word from Stevie or Grace, when they found that neither of them had taken even their wallet, then people began to worry. Regan had been summoned back from her mysterious trip to find hundreds of tearful messages from Grace on her mobile phone. Messages that were left days ago and nothing since then. Only then people started to worry. They made him feel unwelcome at Drovers, unwelcome in the search, like he wasn't allowed to be worried or allowed to care or even allowed to help them find the missing girls. _

_"What's it to you?" Regan had asked him, and he couldn't find the words to reply. He thought it self righteous of her to speak like that. She hadn't even cared at first. Didn't even come back from wherever she disappeared to. Kate, Tayler and Tess didn't seem worried, and it made him feel like he was the only one who cared. Or that they knew something they were keeping from him. They all seemed worried now though, but it was no consolation to him. _

_As soon as he found her car in the early hours of that morning he knew something was wrong. He searched the surrounding area so well that he knew every tree and stone for miles. He examined every inch of the car. It was fine. It hadn't been in an accident. The engine was working well. It was like they had vanished. Like once again Stevie had slipped through his fingers. And he spent his days walking along that road, calling her name, begging her to come back, and turning over and over in his mind wondering where she had gone._


	11. Chapter 11

Regan arrived home after her conversation with the man on the roadside in the early hours of the morning

_Regan arrived home after her conversation with the man on the roadside in the early hours of the morning. Suddenly she felt the need to visit the site of the bomb blast. She hadn't been back there since it happened, and it was time to lay the past to rest once and for all. She scrawled a quick note to Tess explaining where she had gone and asking Tess not to tell the others, especially Tayler. There was no sense in bringing up all those bad memories. Regan hadn't figured she'd be missed for a few days. Life at Drovers was busy and she was really not much help with the farming aspect of things in the slightest. _

_When she reached the site of the mine her manager greeted her warmly. She had been sorely missed. She had missed it too, her job. She had loved every minute of it, geology was her passion, and the familiar sights and smells made her homesick. Her manager invited her into the office and she accepted the invitation already sensing what was coming. He was going to ask her to come back. _

_Once inside the building she looked around the familiar office, noticing few changes except for two pictures on the wall. She stood and stared silently for a moment, realising these were the men who had been killed that day. _

_"You must stop blaming yourself, put it in the past." Her manager had said to her._

She nodded, thinking finally that she had a reason not to blame herself. She looked into the eyes of those men. One she recognised instantly as Tayler's father. And the other as the father of the man she met at the roadside.

_"Did you know them?" Regan asked him._

"Yes. Fine men. Hard workers. They are missed." He answered sadly.

"And their families?" Regan asked 

_"They have been well compensated." He told her. She knew there was no compensation that would make up for losing a family member. And she knew for a fact that Tayler had received no compensation. But she didn't say so. She stood, still looking. Puzzled. What on earth had happened between these two men that day? _

_"It's a dangerous job at times." The manager went on. "These men knew that. But they loved their job. It was in the blood. I'm sure they don't regret a moment of it."_

Regan hoped they did indeed regret whatever happened that day, thinking to herself no job was worth losing your life and your family. But she was still speechless, thinking things over in her head. 

_"This man, Bill, his son is a miner. It's in the blood." The manager went on pointing to the father of the man she had met on the road._

"Really?" Regan asked, slightly interested.

"Yes Bill would be proud of young Cade." 

**Cade.** _That name set off alarm bells in her head, and she could not figure out why. It seemed so familiar to her, but she couldn't place it. She thought back to the man on the roadside, attaching the name to him. _

_"Regan, I'm glad you've come." The manager kept talking. "I'll be retiring next month, and I'm looking for someone to take over my position."_

She looked out the windows to the mine site, re-living that day as she had done a thousand times since it happened. This time she did so without the slightest trace of guilt. She was freed from a burden she didn't even realise still weighed so heavily upon her. 

_She accepted the job offer that day. Partly because it felt so good to be back. Partly because she somehow had to find out what really did happen that day. Partly because she felt it was time to move on. No one needed her at Drovers anymore. In fact it was down right crowded. Regan's presence caused constant conflict with Grace, and Regan had never really been the farming type. She accepted the job without thinking twice. If she had known the havoc created right at that moment from her absence she might have thought twice, but she didn't have a clue. _

_Only later that evening, walking the mining site in the sunset, feeling at home in the dusty desolation, did she finally remember why that name, Cade, was familiar to her. She had heard it, many a time, screamed out in a night mare, muttered softly in the midst of a dream, never spoken aloud in a conscious moment, but only in the dark and unconscious tormented sleep. Cade. _


	12. Chapter 12

It was after midnight the evening that Stevie and Grace returned to Drovers Run

It was after midnight the evening that Stevie and Grace returned to Drovers Run. Thankfully Kate, Tayler and Moira were asleep and so they didn't have to face the interrogation. Regan and Tess seemed too weary to bother with questions at that time, and the four of them went straight to bed. Grace noticed Regan bolt the door, which she thought was odd at the time, but didn't have the energy to start a conversation about it with her.

Only when she was sure Regan and Tess were asleep did Grace sneak into Stevie's room. She found Stevie wide awake staring out the window as she imagined she would be.

Grace remembered Stevie's words from earlier "_You talk but you don't say anything_." That was certainly a case of the pot calling the kettle black. It was true, at first, Grace had babbled on about all kinds of shit, because she didn't know what to say, and she couldn't stand the silence. But after that the two of them had talked about things that Grace hadn't mentioned aloud for years. She never expected she would have to mention them again. But there was still one question that Stevie hadn't answered. In the drama of the last week she had almost forgotten it.

Grace thought back to that night in the kitchen, wishing she was back there. Carefree and enjoying her midnight snack. She remembered now why she hadn't wanted to come to Drovers, why she hadn't wanted to get caught up in shit like this. Other peoples lives, she was flat out dealing with her own.

_She hesitated to bring the subject up that night. She hadn't been round long enough to go sticking her nose into Stevie's business like that. But it seemed like only yesterday she and Stevie were inseparable at the rodeo. And somehow she managed to make herself ask. _

_Grace saw him leaving Drovers that afternoon. Cade. She knew it was him, she would have known him anywhere. She wondered if he had anything to do with that lost look in Stevie's eyes that she had come to attribute to Alex Ryan. Grace knew little about Alex Ryan, only the whispers she heard around the place, and the fact that Stevie and Regan often talked long into the night about him. Alex was something Stevie didn't talk to Grace about, and she didn't feel right asking. But Cade was different. He belonged to them, to Stevie and Grace, and she felt she could ask, thought not without hesitation. Surely it would not be a pleasant conversation. But Cade just being here would have brought up all those memories already. _

_In the end she swallowed that enormous bite of her sandwich and stated rather than asked "I saw Cade here today." _

_Grace never got an answer that night in the kitchen. The conversation took an abrupt and unexpected turn and never turned back. But now they were home and things were back on track, she still needed her answer. _

"What was Cade doing here that day?" Grace asked sitting on her friend's bed.

"Dunno really." Stevie answered sitting beside her, thinking to herself that just like Tess arriving on that very day, just like seeing Alex on the road that night, It meant something more than she wanted it to. But she tried so very hard to pretend it didn't.

When morning came at Drovers Run, the table was full, but silent. No one spoke. Grace had spent most of the night thinking of all the things she could say, all the million ways to stop the inevitable conversation and endless questions about where she and Stevie had been and what had happened. Grace noticed Regan give Kate a look to tell her to shut up, and wondered if Regan had told the others just not to bother asking. She wondered why. Surely if the four of them questioned relentlessly someone would crack and spill everything. She wondered if Regan was waiting to ask them about it privately, or if somehow she knew most of what had happened anyway and didn't want to bring it up at the breakfast table. In any case she was grateful for the silence.

Tess mumbled something about the weather and Kate nodded earnestly in agreement, which relaxed everyone somewhat. Regan's eyes were looking right at Grace, Grace could tell, not that she could see, because she made a conscious effort to look only at her plate, figuring she'd be less likely to get into any trouble that way.

It was then Tayler mentioned about the cattle sale last week, the sale they had been counting on, the one they hadn't been able to attend since two of their workers were missing in action, and the rest of the workers were searching or otherwise just frantically worrying about them. Kate kicked her under the table, but Grace thought a fight about a cattle sale might be just the things to get the morning going, and make everyone angry enough to stop even wondering where she and Stevie had been. Not that she minded. It was Stevie who wouldn't want it broadcast at breakfast. Grace was impressed with the way Stevie held herself together at breakfast, surely she had been expecting the interrogation too, and it would be so much worse for her.

The silence continued from that point on. Regan continued staring at her sister, thinking that her sister sat there so calmly not even aware of how much trouble her disappearance had caused. She felt so much anger at the torment she'd been through this week thinking she'd lost another sibling, and Grace didn't even seem to care. When she finally realised Grace was not going to look at her, she turned her eyes to Stevie, to find Stevie looking right back at her. Stevie had decided it had gone on long enough. She needed no details to imagine the loss at the cattle sale had been significant, not to mention how worried the others had been, worst of all was the way Grace and Regan fought about it, when neither of them even knew what was really going on.

Stevie wasn't about to announce it at breakfast, in fact she planned on no one knowing except Regan. But Regan she would tell. After breakfast. Today. She would just pull her aside and yell at the others to go fix a fence, and that would be that. It was Regan she meant to tell all along. It wasn't what she wanted, she wanted to forget it, and she cold imagine already the disappointment in Regan's eyes. At that moment she realised she was grateful it hadn't been Regan in the kitchen that night. Stevie looked away guiltily when Regan's eyes caught her own, already unsure about her 'telling everything to Regan' plan. But she couldn't let Grace go on baiting her to throw her off the track, and causing even more conflict between those two sisters who deep down Stevie knew really did love each other to bits.

For Regan that was it. Now even Stevie wouldn't look at her. Whether the silence was getting to her, or the fact neither Stevie or Grace would even look at her, much less talk to her and explain where they had been, she had enough of it. Was it that much to ask? She felt left out of something important and, yeah it hurt her. That's when she thoughtlessly (In a moment behaving much like Grace) blurted out she was leaving Drovers at the end of the week for her old job.

There was momentary still ness. Tayler stood up, knocking her chair to the ground, and Regan realised what she had done. There was never going to be an easy way to tell Tayler, maybe she even would have lied, but her anger at Stevie and Grace made her blurt it our with no sensitivity or though to Tayler at all. And after calling Grace thoughtless a million times last night. Tayler stood asking Regan how she could ever go back there after killing her father! Tayler resented the way she'd phrased that accusation, she no longer blamed Regan for the bomb blast, but she was still hurt that Regan would go back there, to the place her father had died. Mostly Tayler felt abandoned. After her father died she had no one, until Regan. And now Regan was leaving too and hadn't even discussed it with her. Before Regan could explain her reasons for going back, Tayler bolted with tears in her eyes, and Kate quickly followed eager to escape the mess. What were her reasons anyway? Did she really want to know what happened to those two men? What if the bomb was caused by Taylers father, would Tayler want to know anyway, it wouldn't bring him back? Did she really miss her old job? Secretly, desperately, she longed for someone to beg her to stay.


	13. Chapter 13

Stevie excused herself from the table without comment on Regan's plans

Stevie excused herself from the table without comment on Regan's plans. She couldn't blame Regan for bailing on Drovers. Look how many times Regan had stuck by her and now Regan needed a little help and Stevie ran, leaving the sisters to fight.

Stevie realised now she would never have the chance to tell Regan the truth. And suddenly changed her mind, it _**was**_ Regan she wanted to find in the kitchen that day, Regan was the one who would understand because there were things Regan knew that Stevie hadn't even told Grace. But it was Grace in the kitchen that night. That meant something. It meant Regan was gone. And that thought horrified her, because Regan was her rock. And how long had Regan been planning this without even a word to Stevie? Had she told Tess? Is that where she'd been that Saturday night? How could Regan leave now, sure both she and Grace were being inconsiderate and obnoxious, but couldn't Regan see through that, it was all an act, couldn't Regan see they needed her so much? So, to hide her impending tears, Stevie left without a word.

She walked and walked, going no where really. To her surprise she didn't cry, it was as if she had no more tears left, she had cried enough this week. There was nothing left to hurt her now. What had started off as possibly the worst week in her life, had just gotten even worse. Even Regan was abandoning her now, and she wondered if Grace would be right behind her, and she'd be alone. And she wished none of this had happened. She wished she never found Grace in the kitchen that night, she wished she never got in the car with her. She remembered little after that, her memory was hazy. She didn't dare ask Grace about it, she didn't want to know, she didn't want to think of the things Grace had endured because of her.

And selfishly she wished she had told Regan before she took that job, because maybe Regan would have changed her mind and stayed, and Stevie never even would have known that going back to the mines was an option. Grace never would have known either, she was sure this was killing her. She knew Grace had really wanted Regan to be there all along. Grace called her often enough last week, until Stevie had smashed the phone. But telling Regan now would be unfair. She would stay because of that, and that was obviously not what she wanted. And Stevie had to let her live her own life. She wasn't Regan's responsibility. But Stevie was stunned with the way Regan announced the news to Tayler just like that.

When she heard the footsteps approaching her, the first thought she had was Cade, and she sighed. Although it was better than Tess or one of the others coming to get the truth out of her. Cade would need no explanation. But she turned to find Alex Ryan towering over her. She stood shocked looking up into his eyes, she couldn't help it, no matter how much she scolded herself to look to the ground and run.

"Where the HELL have you been cowgirl?" He screamed taking her by the shoulders and shaking her. She closed her eyes at the angry tone of his voice, and the way he violently shook her. And she couldn't help herself for the thoughts that crept into her mind. _He's touching me, he's here, I can hear him, see him, smell him, feel him. And he called me cowgirl_. He hasn't called me that since…..

That somehow erased the displeasure of his anger. And didn't anger mean he cared? Just a little bit cared about her? She didn't even yell back that it was '_none of his _business' and to '_take his hands off' _her as she knew she would normally do. She stood with eyed closed until he stoped shaking her. She felt one of his hands firmly on her shoulder and the other gently brushing her cheek, brushing away the tears she didn't even realise were falling. She opened her eyes to look at him. She wanted to say so much, _I love you, I miss you , I need you, _.

She wanted to tell him every last vile thing that happened to her in the last week, she needed his words of comfort, and his arms to take it all away and his kiss to drive it from her mind as if it was only a bad dream. She had no words, she just look up at him, desperate and lost, and needing him so badly, and wondering if her eyes could ever convey just how much she loved and needed him right now. She hadn't allowed herself to look deeply into his eyes for the fear of rejection. She scarcely had time as he pulled her into the tightest embrace she had ever known and silently held her as she cried. She felt like she would melt into a part of him, like she never wanted to leave his arms, that the spot was made exactly for her and she fit perfectly, and if he just held on tight enough for long enough, everything might be ok.

Finaly he loosened his grip and she could hardly stand on her own. Had she been feeling stronger she might have told him to get away, that he had his chance, that it was too late for him to care now. But she felt physically and emotionally drained, and he could see it without her saying a word. He picked her up in her arms as if she was a child, and she let him. She knew it was wrong, it would lead to heart ache. But in that moment, in his arms, she felt so safe, like she could hide there forever from the rest of the world, so she buried her face into his neck, enjoying the scent of him, and made no movement of protest. She closed her eyes, just for a moment so she though, and woke up at Killarney in the darkness.

Back at the breakfast table. Tess half heartedly wished Regan well, and too left the table, fearing for the future of Drovers in the hands of Grace and Stevie, and wanting to avoid the screaming match between the two sisters.

When the others were all gone Grace looked finally to her sister

"Nice one Regan." Grace said with a fake smile on her face hoping Regan took it to mean her displeasure at the way Tayler was upset, not the face that Grace couldn't stand the though of losing her sister like that again. Not now. And couldn't Regan see how much she was needed here right now? How much Grace needed her? Ok fair enough Grace didn't make that part terribly clear. And now she was glad she hadn't. Imagine if she told Regan she needed her, and Regan left anyway. But what about Stevie? Regan is her best friend, and she needed her now more than ever. In that moment Grace almost blurted out the whole story, forgetting her promise of silence to Stevie, just so Regan would know that she couldn't up and leave now. Then Grace wondered if it would even make a difference to Regan, and remembered Stevie had trusted her, and her alone, and Grace bit her tongue.

"I'll help you pack." Grace offered cheerily, clearing the table where Regan sat alone, dejected.

"I'm not leaving today Grace." Regan replied wondering if she'd be missed at all. By Tayler yes, but she'd just carelessly upset her, maybe Tayler was better without her. By Kate, her fellow sensible inhabitant of Drovers she might be missed. Not by Tess who was living her own life in Argentina. And certainly she would not be missed by her sister and her best friend who seemed to have this whole other life that did not include her.

"Pity." Grace replied "And for the love of God can you take Tess with you?" Grace asked leaving the room and Regan sighed deeply.

Only when she was far far from the house did Grace let a tear escape her eye. After so long, she and Regan had been reunited, and without any thought Regan just takes off. Well it was Regan's life. Grace thought she should go see if Stevie was ok, as she could see she had been upset by the announcement too. Then she decided to let Regan do it. Let Regan see how much Kate and Tayler and Stevie needed her. Things just wouldn't work around here without Regan. Grace had tried hard all last week to be just like Regan, to do what Regan would have done, and say what Regan would have said. And she was looking forward to dumping the whole mess in Regan's lap as soon as they got back to Drovers. It was Regan that Stevie wanted and needed, not her. It was always Regan who was needed, what use was Grace to anyone? And what would become of her if Regan left her now?

The sunshine warming her cheek bones made her almost smile, such a contrast to that cold snowy day, Grace had always loved the sun. And it bought to mind another sunshine day that she didn't know why she was remembering now, but she was. An insignificant memory, in consequential but deeply meaningful moment imbedded in her sub conscious. It flashed before her eyes as if she was living it again.

_Grace had sat in the unfamiliar building, feeling out of place as strangers eyes were upon her. She sat at the back, she felt she belonged there, hidden. She was thinking of sneaking out, that's when the little girl with the blonde curls came and placed herself on Grace's lap. She sat still and well behaved as the church service began. When they stood to sing the little girl extended her arms for Grace to pick her up, and instinctively she did. The girl buried her head into Grace's neck and played some sort of game tracking the lines on Graces'palm, then leaned close and whispered "I love you, really a lot." And kissed her on the cheek_

_You only just met me, Grace thought to herself, and I don't even know your name. But she didn't wish to be drawn into an argument with a child and disrupt the rather formal service. She was beginning to wonder if this child had confused her with someone who looked like her. Perhaps she should suggest the child go find her mother. But it was so comforting the little girl resting in her lap, that she didn't want her to leave. The little girl fell asleep and Grace felt a peace she hadn't known in a long time._

_The service had ended. People began to leave, and Grace wondered when someone would come to claim this sleeping child_

'Take me home' the girl whispered opening one eye, and Grace realised she had been pretending to sleep, curling up in her lap, hiding. Much like Grace wished she could do.

_'I cant, you don't belong to me.' Grace explained, not sure how to convince a young child of anything._

That's the first time she saw him. Cade. Walking calmly towards them, not like a man who lost his child for three hours. Grace wondered if he'd be angry, she was about to protest that the child wandered off. But then she decided she had been angry at him. Why hadn't he noticed his missing daughter all this time sitting with a stranger? 

_"I know you're pretending." He said to the little girl, not even greeting Grace. She felt this was rude, shouldn't he thank her for baby sitting or at least introduce himself. But the moment of silence gave her time to appreciate his attractive looks. _

_'Come.' He said extending his hand to the child_

'Why?" The girl asked

He sighed. And was about to reach for the girl and take her in his arms. The little girl screamed, surprising them all, and he stood back.

People came running. The little girl threw her arms around Grace "Mummy mummy, make that bad man go away.." she pleaded

_Grace didn't have to make him, he slunk away under the disdainful gaze of the congregation. No one sprung to his defence, and she realised he was as much a stranger here as she. Grace would come to wonder later about that day and how significantly it changed everything. _

_One thing she knew for sure, she wasn't this kids mother, she was not anyone's mother. She was not even twenty years old and could feel the judgemental eyes upon her. _

_All she wanted in that moment was to get out of there. She took the child by the hand and led her outside._

"I'm not your mummy." Grace told her gently

"I know duh." The child replied.

"Where is your mummy?" Grace asked, becoming slightly frustrated with this strange girl

"Not here." Said the child.

"Well then where?" Grace raised her voice slightly to let this girl know she meant business. She wasn't going to be saddled with a kid all day long.

"Is your mummy far away?" Grace tried to get some information. "Was that man your daddy?"

"You talk too much." The child announced decisevly as she took Grace's hand and let her down the street. Just like that they walked hand in hand, strangers, with the sunshine beaming down on them. She rememberedd the sun shine glowing on that little girls golden curls, and then she remembered the white cold snow atop Regan's dark hair all those years before and she shivered even though the day was warm. And once again she followed the person who led her by the hand, to a place she knew was not some where she wanted to go, but a place she was unable to turn back from.


	14. Chapter 14

Stevie woke much later at Killarney, to find Alex watching her

Stevie woke much later at Killarney, to find Alex watching her. Just sitting, watching. She felt strange being here. The last time she had set foot on this property he had ordered her to leave. He refused to listen to her when she tried to explain about Drew. She had kissed Alex then, the last time. And he had let her do it. He made no move to stop her. It took her a moment to register what was happening as he threw her aside and told her to leave. Even thinking over it now sent shivers down her spine. His words were so cold. He crushed her heart that day and didn't seem to notice, or to care.

She looked away from him, down to her hands, unsure what to say, and grateful that conversation was not his strong point. She said nothing to him. She didn't ask why he had brought her here. She sat quietly, wondering where they had gone so wrong. How they had gone from best mates to this. She felt strangely peaceful here at Killarney, she must have done, to fall asleep like that. She hardly slept all week. She didn't think she would ever sleep again. But somehow she felt safe knowing he was near. Which was strange considering that he had hurt her more than just about anyone else in her entire life.

Finally she summoned the courage to break the silence "I should go, the others will wonder..." She began, uncomfortable in his presence.

"I called them already, said you were staying for dinner." He explained. She nodded slowly. She wondered what kind of gossip that would make for around the dinner table at Drovers tonight.

"Stevie.." He began, but she stopped him.

"Don't." She pleaded.

She would forgive him anything, she knew it. She would even forget anything. One thing she asked of him. One thing she needed that no one else seemed willing or able to give her. All that she needed from him was that he not ask her any questions, not about the last week, not about anything.

She could forget a lot, the things that had been said between them, the things that had been unsaid, she could sacrifice all her entitled anger and bitterness, even though it protected her. If he could only manage this one thing.

"Don't ask me any questions." She told him, unable to look him in the eye.

"Ok. I promise" That's what he said.

For a while he managed it, they ate, and he made polite chatter about Killarney and Drovers, which was not easy as the two properties had been at war since the incident with Drew.

Stevie loved him in that moment, for trying, and for just being there, and for the way he sat and smiled so reassuringly at her, as if he held the world in his hands and had the power to make every bad thing disappear. There was a time she would have cut off her right arm to be sitting at his table talking with him like this. But the atmosphere was tense. And he could not keep to his promise for long. He who was so big on promises. He who could slide so many of his own past mistakes under the rug never to be mentioned and expect her just to forget. He couldn't help himself. He had to know what was going on.

"We've always been mates" He began, trying to ease his way into the interrogation without her realising.

"Have we?" She asked him. She was not being difficult, she just found it hard to see the way he had treated her lately, but she told herself she expected too much. She didn't want just mates. She wanted more, and maybe that's why the things he did hurt her so much. He had never apologised for the way he threw her off the property that day, never apologised for the way he left her hanging while he was married to Fiona, never showed that he even noticed or cared for her feelings at all until tonight. It didn't seem much like a friendship to her. But she had made her own mistakes also.

"I hope so." He answered "You can tell me anything."

"Really?" She asked as she pushed her food around on the plate, wondering what his reaction would be if she told him even half of it. Wondering what he wanted from her. He had not spoken to her in months. Months of silence and trouble with Killarney at every turn. And now that he decided it suited him they were mates, and she was expected to answer to him? It made her angry. It was what she wanted, exactly this, him to care. And now that she had it right in her hands, it didn't seem like enough. Not nearly enough to entitle him to ask questions of her, to expect her to trust him and put herself on the line for him again. Not when there was so much unresolved between them.

She could not imagine why she was suddenly of so much interest to him. What on earth did he think she and Grace had been doing? She thought of all the stories she and Grace had made up to tell to anyone who asked. From the ridiculous, to the hilarious, the unbelievable, and the truth, and she thought briefly of telling him something just to see what his reaction would be.

"I don't want to talk about it." She said as he sat expectantly, waiting for an explanation.

How many ways can she say she does not want to talk about it? How many times could she say it? Countless times. She had learned that Alex listened only when it suited him. She didn't want to tell him about it, she didn't want to answer his questions. She just wanted to be with him. Like before, to melt into his arms and have everything else fall to the ground void. What did she have to do to get that moment back? But that was only a moment, one moment in a lifetime. She wanted to hear he was sorry, that he noticed her, that he cared, that he did mean it when he told her he loved her, that he meant it when he kissed her on the stairs, that it wasn't a mistake.

"What's going on? Are you and Grace in some kind of trouble? I could help you out." He told her bravely.

She laughed at this, his simple ideas, his small world. He took it as a good sign, that she laughed, it was not. He left the table to get a beer for them both. They would sit and have a beer like old times, and talk, and get things back on track. And he'd tell her how worried he'd been. And that it made him realise how precious she was to him. And from that point on things would get better for them both. Things would go back to normal.

Stevie took advantage of his brief absence to leave. Clearly not even he would give her what she wanted so desperately. She had always known she built him up in her head to be something more than he was. He never quite lived up to it, maybe she expected too much, from him, from everyone, perhaps that had always been the problem. It didn't matter, either way she had to get out of there. He had no right to question her, about anything. He had no right to bring her here. He was nothing to her. Just a neighbour, and a bad one at that.

She left the house, quickly, and she imagined he had not seen it coming to stop her. Doubtless he sat dazed and confused for a few moments, and then picked up the phone to call someone at Drovers.

She took a horse, his horse, deliberately she would later admit to herself. Riding it across Killarney, she let her mind slip into a dream state, this fairy tale land that was supposed to be hers, the man that was supposed to be her husband, it was all a dream. She had never let go of it, her dream. No matter how many people told her to move on. She saw the way the others looked at her, feeling sorry for her.

It began to rain, and she knew it was foolish, riding in the storm. But she would not stop, then she would have to start thinking. She could not decide if she was angry at Alex, or angry at herself for not being what he wanted her to be. What happened next she honestly did not remember. Only that Cade had been there. She could count on him to be. If no one else, he at least was predictable.

The atmosphere was tense at Drovers that night. Kate and Tayler went into town. Regan had still not spoken to Tayler. Kate told her to wait to tomorrow when everything had calmed down. Grace and Regan were barely speaking and this left Tess to fill the holes in the conversation. They speculated about Stevie and Alex, wondering what was going on at Killarney and hoping whatever it was would lead to more harmonious and profitable relations between the two properties.

It had distressed Tess, seeing the split between the two properties, her two families. She had not understood it, only that it somehow was to do with Alex and Stevie, and that it had been going on for some time now. Tess was almost glad she had left. Things seemed to change so much. Now Drovers was left in the hands of Grace who was a stranger to her, and Stevie who was acting like a stranger. She thought about coming back and taking control again. Drovers needed her. This was not how it was supposed to be. If she and Nick were back then things with Killarney would go smoothly. She had not expected to find such chaos at Drovers.

After dinner, Tess began looking through old photographs of Claire, wondering what Claire would have made of all this, what Claire would have wanted her to do. She felt that sudden sting of guilt for turning her back on Drovers, and leaving Charlotte. But she knew Claire would understand the importance of following her heart. But maybe it was time to talk to Nick about moving home. As she leafed through the photo album a picture caught her eye.

She pulled the photo out and held it up for Regan and Grace to see.

"It's you." Tess said to Grace "You knew my sister Claire."

"I knew a lot of people." Grace answered, not glancing at the photo, not wanting too.

That sat uncomfortably with Tess, it always had, that Claire had this whole life before her full of things and people she never knew about. Why hadn't Claire ever mentioned Grace, why hadn't Grace mentioned Claire?

Regan looked over the photo "It is you." She confirmed "And Stevie too." Regan handed the photo to her sister. Tess turned the page, there were many pictures with Grace in them, and Stevie, and other people Tess did not recognise.

"Tell me something, about her." Tess asked Grace, "I was a stranger to her for most of her life, tell me something." It was more than Grace could stand to look her in they eyes and see how much she missed her sister.

"I don't remember anything." Grace lied. She said no more, not wanting to say the wrong thing.

"But all these photos, you must remember something." Tess prompted her.

Grace glanced reluctantly down at the picture in her hand. Sure enough it was her in the picture, and Claire, and Stevie and her sister, and Cade. At some rodeo event, she couldn't remember the exact one, she spent a long time trying to forget those days. She wanted to take a pair of scissors and cut herself out of the photo, as if it would have saved her from something, as if she could live her life again and make different choices, and never be there that day at the rodeo, never be standing here now in the kitchen of Drovers Run. But it would be near impossible to cut herself out of the photo, they were all standing so close together, intertwined. She could not cut her self from that picture any more than she could change the past. Swiftly, and without thinking she threw the photograph into the fire.

Tess looked on horrified. "The only thing I have left of my sister is photos and memories, how dare you destroy that?" She demanded to know.

Grace left the room silently without trying to excuse her actions. Anything she said now would only dig herself in deeper. Tess had hundreds of photos anyway, and since Grace was in the photo it belonged to her more than Tess.

Grace heard Regan apologise on her behalf. She wondered what would happen when Regan left? Who would apologise on her behalf then? She realised it was a cruel thing to do, but she hadn't meant it as such. It was incredibly tempting to get in her car and drive out of this place, drive and never look back. Tess didn't want her here, Regan didn't want her here. It was her promise to Stevie, and only that, which kept her from leaving that night.

Tess was angry and upset, but she also realised she was on to something. And she would not rest until she discovered what it was. What on earth had caused Grace to have such a strong reaction to a photograph, and why lie about knowing Claire? Tess had to know. She was about to follow Grace and get to the bottom of it. That's when they heard the dogs barking.

Cade surveyed the scene, even in the dark he could always see what needed to be done, no one could deny that. He took his rifle and shot the horse. Stevie heard the shot, it echoed through the quiet night. She lay still, unable to move, wondering if Cade would shoot her too? It seemed only fair.

He picked her up, not gently the way Alex had earlier, not roughly either, but she did not fit in his arms, did not belong, and it was an effort for him to carry her so far. She realised only now that Alex had made it seem effortless. Cade brought her as close to the house as he dared, close enough to get the dogs barking, and attract the attention of the others. She saw the blood on his hands and wondered if it belonged to her or the horse. Then, like Cade does best, he disappeared.


	15. Chapter 15

Stevie was acutely aware of the dogs barking, she would have tried to hide but it seemed too much effort and her head was pounding

Stevie was acutely aware of the dogs barking, she would have tried to hide but it seemed too much effort and her head was pounding. She tried to silence the dogs but not in enough time before Regan came out to investigate. She heard Regan yelling at the dogs to shut the fuck up, Regan was in a bad mood, Stevie could tell. She wanted to make things better, but she didn't know what to say. Maybe nothing would make Regan happy on Drovers. Maybe Regan had to get out of this place to be happy?

Regan was certainly not happy, now even the dogs had turned on her and wouldn't be quiet. Regan hated herself for the way she had upset Tayler earlier. Tayler still wasn't speaking to her. Hopefully tomorrow she would sit and explain it. Not everything. Tayler didn't need to know everything. Just that Regan had to go back to her old job for a bit, that she loved Tayler and that Tayler was welcome on Drovers. And that Regan would be back really soon. She didn't know how true that was, but it was what she was going to say.

Regan trod through the mud yelling at the dogs. Stevie forced herself to sit up. She surveyed the damage, it wasn't really so bad only a few cuts and bruises. And a piercing headache. She tried to think quickly of what she would say to Regan as she wouldn't be fast enough on her feet to run now.

"Get those damn photos out of my face or I'll burn the lot of them." Grace told her cousin. Tess had taken advantage of Regan's brief absence to pursue the matter in private with Grace. And Tess wasn't taking that for an answer.

"What is it that upsets you so much about photos of my sister?" Tess enquired. enquired.

"I'm not upset, I just have better things to do than stare at photos of dead people. Its kind of creepy if you don't mind me saying so." Grace answered coldly.

"That dead person happens to be my sister, your cousin."

"Look I'm sorry, but its not my fault she's dead." Grace answered defensively. It always hit her hard thinking of Claire being gone. But only when Tess arrived has Grace thought of the sister she had left behind. It reminded her of her own lost little brother. And it reminded her that one day Regan wouldn't be around. One day soon if Regan had her way. Nothing lasts forever. That's life, Tess should get over it and move on.

"I'm trying very hard here Grace." Tess explained

"Trying to irritate me? Because you are succeeding." Grace told her.

"Trying to think of a reason to like you." Tess answered.

"I didn't ask you to like me. You made your mind up the moment you laid eyes on me anyway." Grace said, not particularly sorry she hadn't gained her cousins approval.

"I'm trying hard to understand you, to understand why Regan and Stevie want you here, and why I should tell myself its ok to go home to Argentina leave Drovers in your hands." Tess finished, her voice growing serious.

"Now you want me to defend my right to be here?" Grace asked. "This place belongs to me and Regan as much as to you, it belonged to our father too. Maybe we were better off before you came along city girl. So run along home to Argentina."

Tess looked down to the photos of her sister, remembering the times when Claire had been in charge of Drovers, as it should have been. "Claire would be rolling in her grave if she could see what a mess Drovers is in." Tess wanted to add 'because of you' but didn't.

"I doubt that, very much." Grace answered, and she did doubt it both literally and figuratively. She figured Claire would be pretty happy to see Grace here. Surprised defiantly, but happy. "You know what I'm trying hard to believe? I'm trying hard to believe you and Claire are sisters. But then I look at Regan and me, and I guess these things happen. Even to the best of us." Grace shrugged, ready to leave the pointless conversation there.

"You must have been close to Claire" Tess refused to be put off her mission. "There are heaps of photos of you in her album." If not for this fact, Tess would have given up on Grace long ago. If not for the fact that Claire had seemed to adore her. Stevie too. And deep down Tess admitted Grace even reminded her of Claire a little. She wouldn't let it go, she had to find some common ground to walk with her cousin.

"What can I say? I'm photogenic. A rodeo star. Everyone was taking photos of me." Grace smiled.

"Fine I'll ask Stevie, its obviously not worth talking to you about anything." Tess sighed in frustration. She'd given up on the conversation for the moment, but not on getting to the bottom of what makes Grace McLeod tick.

Grace snatched the photo album from her suddenly and opened it to a random page. Tess looked surprised, perhaps she had said something convincing after all. Tess was right, there were heaps of photos of Grace. Grace hadn't realised Claire had so many. She picked up one loose photo and held it in shaking hands.

"Stevie?" Regan asked in disbelief making out the shape of her friend in the darkness. "What happened?" Regan rushed to her side.

Stevie didn't want to answer. She wanted to sink into the mud and disappear far from this place and these people and their questions. But she could not.

"I fell." Stevie managed to answer, not realising how breathless she had become "Off a horse."

"What? Where? What were you doing riding in this weather?" Regan asked her not waiting for her to answer "Come, let me help you inside."

"No." Stevie answered her. She paused and caught her breath. "The horse. I cant leave him there."

"Don't worry about that, I'll call a vet ok?" Regan assured her.

"I wouldn't bother." Stevie told her as the shot rang in her ears. There was no need for a vet.

"Come on lets get you inside." Regan said, helping Stevie who stood unsteadily to her feet. The bang on the head had made her dizzy. Stevie turned her head and looked away from the house into the distance.

"There's nothing you can do now." Regan told her gently. "Come."

"What do you want to know Tess?" Grace asked her, almost yelling. "That's Claire Louise McLeod. Apparently your sister but I don't see the resemblance frankly. Camp drafting champion. That was her only successful event though. Oh, she did beat me in a barrel race, only once, on the very day this photo was taken. I let her win, it was her birthday. I never heard the end of it though, never mind the five thousand barrel races I beat her in. They seemed to slip her mind."

"That red haired girl, that's Stevie Hall, you might recognise her as your overseer and part owner of Drovers Run. She's wearing a highly fashionable denim jacket, which belongs to me just so you know. It was the prize of a bet we made that morning that I can't remember the exact nature of now, and come to think of it I've never seen that jacket again, I must ask about that, it was only a loan. It was not a real lucky day for Stevie, she didn't win any events that day which was unusual for her. Though she did get to wear my stunning jacket, and made a small fortune betting on the side as she usually did."

"And that's me, as you have noticed, Grace Kingston, your beloved cousin. First time I lost a barrel race to a McLeod. I won't forget that day. Like Stevie, I had my money on Claire so at least it wasn't a total loss. Not many people I'd throw a race for, you know. We entered the team roping every year, me and Claire, although we never won, didn't make much of a team , the McLeod cousins. Although she didn't know I was her cousin, but that didn't matter. Because somewhere deep down she knew we were connected."

"Next to me that's Cade. I just realised after all these years I don't even know his last name. We never did. He was hands down the best rider of all of us, but he never entered any competitions. Ever. Which was lucky for the other competitors, it gave them a chance. Alex Ryan would have stood no chance against Cade. He learnt to ride on a camel when he was three years old and living in the desert, and his life long dream was to be the first man to ride a camel on the moon. And take note of his atrocious haircut, even back then it was considered a disaster. And let it be a lesson to you: Never, ever let Stevie Hall cut your hair. Consider yourself warned. He's dead now, so I guess that camel will never get to the moon."

Grace paused to catch her breath, looking at the photo, and determined not to cry infront of Tess McLeod. Cade was as good as dead anyway. The Cade in that picture was no longer alive. Just because he was breathing and his heart was beating. That wasn't Cade. Not the Cade they knew. That Cade was dead. Grace continued on, wanting to satisfy her cousins curiosity and never speak about these days again.

"Next to Cade, that's Beth Hall, Stevie's sister. She won the rope and tie that day which is why she is smiling. Its the first time she ever won a thing, and only then because the winner was disqualified, and she was riding my horse. But still, she won it. I wont take that away from her. Its not that she wasn't good. She was good. Very good at everything. But the best at nothing. She made a cake for Claire's birthday, being the only one who could cook, chocolate, if remember correctly. But it had long been eaten by the time this photo was taken. It's nice that Beth had a good day at the rodeo, because she dropped dead two hours after this very photo was taken. We don't talk about her. Ever. And if you show these photos to Stevie I won't be held responsible for what I do to you. "

With that Grace slammed the photo album shut and left the room, controlling her urge to throw every one of those hideous photos into the fire. Some memories were better left alone.

Tess sat speechless. She had been unable to get a word in throughout Grace's passionate monologue. She thought about Claire and Grace, as friends and rodeo partners, about Claire celebrating so many birthdays without her. She thought about Stevie. Tess had come to believe she knew everything about Stevie's past and all her secrets. It hurt her that there was something Stevie had kept from her too. Why hadn't Stevie mentioned her sister? It was like some big secret between them all, Claire and Stevie and Grace and that strange man with the bizarre haircut. Something Tess wasn't part of. And that bothered her. It's not like Claire was here now to explain things, and Grace was not being very helpful. She would ask Stevie about it, that was her chance. She only wanted to be a part of things, to bring them all closer. Even Grace. It was hard to dislike her knowing the way Claire and Stevie adored her, it was hard because Grace was family and Tess wanted things to go smoothly, and it was something in the protective tone Grace had used when talking about Stevie that made Tess wonder if her cousin Grace wasn't so bad after all.

"Alex, I have to tell him." Stevie said, glued to the spot and not willing to move.

"What?" Regan asked confused and thinking Stevie hit her head very hard indeed.

"His horse, I have to tell him." She answered

"Not now, don't worry about it." Regan told her, as things started to sink into place.

That horse was worth a fortune, and they both knew it. It would be one more thing Killarney could hold over Drovers. But Stevie thought only that he be told. She didn't want him to come across his horse like that, it was only fair to tell him. He would be angry and Drovers would not see the end of his wrath for a long time. But it was the right thing to tell him.

"Not now." Regan told her. "It doesn't matter about a horse, its just a horse. You're ok and that's all that matters." Regan told her.

Reluctantly she let Regan lead her into the house, having lost any strength to fight about it, and not wanting to face Alex anyway. She listened to Regan's words 'you're ok and that's all that matters' and she wondered if that's how Alex would see it. She wondered if he would say those words. Or something else.

Cade sat watching the Shearers quarters. He thought of the dead horse, He thought of Stevie. He thought of Tayler. He thought of Beth. Stevie was so much like her, and yet so much not. Elizabeth had been her proper name. But for her life she had been known as Lizzie. Until Cade came along. He started it as a joke, calling her Bethany. He said it was cute and rhymed with Stephanie. The others hated it, especially Stevie who hated to be reminded of her own proper name. But Beth loved it, she adopted it from that day forward. She smiled at him that day, she laughed. She always laughed at his jokes. No one else had.

He pinned a note to Taylers door.

'Happy Birthday Peanut' he had written.

She would know it was from him, he always called her that. He wanted her to wake up tomorrow and find it, wanted it to be the first thing she saw. And he wanted to see the look on her face when she did.


	16. Chapter 16

Regan led Stevie to the kitchen table, examining the cuts and bruises which seemed to be only minor. Stevie sat and compliantly endured the assessment, realising it would be less painful than trying to get away at this point. Her injuries were looking minor. She could not stop her hands from shaking, though, or her voice when she weakly protested that she was fine. But she put that down to shock. It had been a long week, a long night; Regan leaving, dinner with Alex, Cade. Somehow during all of this she didn't notice Grace and Tess enter the kitchen.

The atmosphere was still tense from the past days' events, and this dulled the intensity of the interrogation, for which Stevie was immensely grateful. She was finding it difficult to string two words together. When questioned, Stevie merely took a deep breath and repeated the five words, "I fell off a horse." First to Tess, and then to Grace. Tess accepted it and went to fetch a blanket. Grace sat herself up on the table and shot her friend a puzzled look that Stevie could not interpret. Regan was standing on the other side of her, Tess behind her wrapping a blanket around her shoulders. There were McLeods surrounding her. She felt the ever keen sensation that she was an outsider. She had to do something, anything to break the awkward questioning, the haunting silent stares of these three curious McLeods. She stood no chance against three of them; she had to tell them something to satisfy their curiosity.

"I thought you went to Killarney" Grace said.

"I did." Stevie answered, and silently added to herself '_God knows why, but I did._' She cleared her throat and made a conscious effort to prevent her mind from taking her back into Alex arms. She skipped to the relevant part of the story. And the part they wanted to hear. She and Alex had fought, she had left, she "borrowed" his horse, rode off in the storm, and she fell.

"Alex let you ride in the rain?" Tess asked.

"What were you doing at Killarney?" Regan asked.

"Where is the horse?" Grace asked.

Stevie had no answers, and she was so sick of their questions. But there was no escape. This was her punishment for telling Alex to ask no questions. Now she had three of them to face. It was her punishment for everything that had happened last week, for giving up Rose, for stealing the horse, for what happened to Beth. She could not run anymore from the things in her life. One by one they all came back to haunt her. She would have to answer for each and every one. She could not avoid the truth. But that didn't change the fact the answers were yet so untouchable. "I have to tell Alex, about the horse." Stevie protested, trying to focus on making the best of a bad situation. "I don't want him to find out from someone else." She tried to keep her voice steady so the others would leave her alone.

"Forget about it." Grace said. "You should get some rest."

"It can wait til morning." Regan answered, placing her hand on Stevie's shoulder trying to calm her. Truthfully the horse made for a good excuse for her troubled countenance. It was not that she wasn't upset about the horse, she was. Just not that upset. But at least it gave the others something to focus on.

"I'll tell him, Stevie." Tess said. "I was on my way over anyway. Don't worry about it, Alex will be fine."

"You were?" Regan asked her.

"Yes, I have some photos I was going to show him." Tess answered looking straight at Grace. Tess realised that at least for tonight, Stevie was in no frame of mind to help her with her investigation of Claire's past, and the secret life of her cousin Grace. Alex knew Claire and Stevie back then. Maybe he knew Grace, maybe he knew Stevie's sister. Perhaps Alex would make for a more willing subject. And furthermore, Tess wanted to ask him about what had happened tonight with Stevie, what had been going on these last months between him and Stevie, how things had got so bad between Killarney and Drover's. He had managed to dodge her questions this far, because attention was focused on the fact that Stevie and Grace were missing. But he couldn't hide from her any longer.

"Don't worry, Alex will understand. It's just a horse. You're ok, and that's all that matters." Tess said, putting her arms around Stevie, and Stevie felt suddenly guilty for feeling so bad about Tess. Tess was her friend, Tess had given her a home, and she loved her more than a horse. Again she wondered what Alex' reaction would be. She pictured him reassuring her, saying, 'Its just a horse. You are more important'. But she was glad she wouldn't be the one to tell him, not hear him say those words. Stevie quickly snapped out of her fantasy by reminding herself that both of them, Tess and Alex, would sacrifice her gladly to have Claire back. Claire would have made it a perfect picture in the kitchen that night, four McLeod cousins. Claire would have made a better dinner companion for Alex that night, too. She would not have stolen and killed his horse to thank him for his trouble. Claire would not have got Drovers into so much trouble with Killarney. Claire's daughter would love her and Claire would be a proper mother to her. It all seemed to make so much sense that Claire should be here. Stevie had lost her faith in whoever was in charge of the universe if they could not even get that one thing right.

After Tess had left for Killarney, the atmosphere improved. But only very slightly.

"I shot it." Stevie finally answered the question that Grace had forgotten she even asked.

"With what?" Regan asked, perplex.

"A rifle." Stevie answered. What a stupid question.

"Just happened to have one with you?" Grace asked, instinctively feeling there had been something wrong with this story from the start but not able to put her finger on it.

Stevie looked quickly to Grace, her eyes pleading silently, 'Later, when Regan isn't around.'

Grace got the message and dropped the subject. "Don't worry about it now." Grace echoed the words of Tess and Regan and put a smile on her face.

"Alex is going to hate me." Stevie uttered, placing her head in her hands on the table. "I didn't even ask him if I could take the horse." She was sorry for Drover's. This was just one more thing to add to the stack of neighbourly trouble. She was sorry for the horse, and for its owner. But she was sorry most that it placed yet another obstacle between her and Alex. What had she been thinking to take off like that? To steal his horse? Things were going so well. She had been nursing her broken heart for months, he makes a positive step towards her and she runs away. Could anyone be any more stupid?

Regan wanted to tell Stevie again not to worry about the horse, but her words of reassurance and comfort had been falling on deaf ears all evening. She might as well be talking to a brick wall, she thought. Regan realised she was jealous in some way, of Grace and Stevie, thick at thieves, so many secrets and Regan out in the cold. There was a distance between her and Stevie, created by this last week apart, by the lies told, by Grace. Regan was the one who had been here helping Stevie through the disastrous times with Alex. She was the one who had stood by her no matter what, and what had Stevie ever done in return? And now Grace had been here two minutes, and Regan was no longer needed.

It was not in Regan's nature to be intentionally cruel, especially when Stevie was so upset about the horse. It was partly jealousy, partly frustration, and partly a desperate attempt to prove that she existed, that her words actually reached someone that caused Regan to speak the words she did. Determined to be acknowledged, she slapped her hand on the table to ensure she had their attention. And then she spoke, "Well, it was a stupid thing to be riding in a rain storm in the dark, to steal a horse from a man who already caused so much trouble to Drover's Run, and to have dinner with a man that broke your heart a thousand times. Why do you insist on chasing trouble? Don't we have enough already?!"

Stevie looked up surprised, not used to the cruel tone of Regan's voice. She realised that Regan was drifting further afar, she had lost her as a friend and ally. Regan would be gone soon anyway, Stevie reminded herself. Maybe she was gone already. Regan's words were true, it was stupid, all of it. Stevie's whole life was one stupid mistake after another. She knew it, everyone did. But she had never heard Regan say it to her. Plenty of other people had, but never Regan. And it cut deep.

Grace for once was silent. Truthfully, she was bewildered at her sister's uncharacteristic outburst. She kept her mouth shut, but her dark stare condemned Regan more than words could ever have. Regan took the opportunity to go and fetch the first aid kit. She felt bad for what she had said to Stevie, and bad about hurting Tayler earlier that day, but most of all she was still so frustrated with her sister.

Stevie quickly took advantage of Regan's absence to tell Grace most of the story of what had truly happened. She realised she would have to. Grace shivered as she listened. The mere mention of Cade made her blood run cold. Why was he here? Still? Knowing he was out there and she had not seen him made her ache with longing and jealousy. And grief. Why had he not approached her? Why anything with Cade? Maybe there was no why anymore. Maybe there was no Cade. It was a sudden thought, but it was undeniably there.

"What did he say? Why is he here?" Grace still asked.

"He said nothing." Stevie answered, and silenced Grace before she could ask anymore.

Regan took a deep breath and entered the kitchen, determined to apologise for her outburst. She had only been gone for a few minutes, but it was long enough for her conscience to realise what she had done. She was not one to hold a grudge. Her comments had been unfair and uncalled for. But when she entered the kitchen to find the two of them whispering, realising the two of them stopped talking the moment they saw her, she had enough. Positively enough of them both. She threw the first aid kit on the table so hard it caused Stevie and Grace to jump in surprise.

"Don't mind me, I've got packing to do" Regan said, and headed up the stairs. She was fairly certain Stevie's injuries weren't fatal and Grace would manage to stick a few bandaids where they were needed. Regan didn't trust herself to remain civil anymore. And the last thing either of them needed tonight was another argument. Perhaps they would all feel better in the morning.

Stevie called after her but Regan ignored her and Stevie didn't try again. Regan dragged out her suitcase and began packing, wondering how soon she could start her job at the mines. Maybe they would take her earlier. Maybe tomorrow. It wouldn't be soon enough as far as she was concerned.

She tried to focus her mind on the words that strange man had said to her in his car on the roadside. She played the scene over and over, trying to make sense of what could possibly have happened between those two men that led to them being dead, and being dead on Regan's shift. She wanted badly to go over it with someone, with anyone. To hear someone else's perspective. But no one had time to talk to her, to listen to her. Everyone was far too wrapped up in their own problems. No one would even notice her absence. And Regan doubted that she could feel any more alone than she did in that moment.

"It's none of your business." Alex had answered quickly when Tess asked had arrived uninvited on his doorstep asking questions about him and Stevie. Truth was he didn't understand the half of it, so how could he explain it to someone else?

"You make it my business when you start a war with Drovers because of it." Tess answered him.

"That's over now." He assured her, and he had decided to end that part of things. This neighbourly rivalry out of revenge was helping no one. It was poisoning him from the inside out. Whatever happened between him and Stevie, they would find a way to work together, or at least next to each other, without starting world war three. He regretted the way he had been acting in the last months, but had no desire to justify himself to Tess.

He had wanted Tess to leave him alone with his thoughts. Perhaps if he thought hard enough he could figure out some way to turn back time, back to that night on the stairs when Stevie had been so close to him that he could feel her heart beating, when time had stood still, and things seemed to be so perfect. But Tess had other ideas.

He had shrugged when she told him about the horse. "It's insured." He replied. And that was the truth. It wasn't the financial loss that he felt as much as the loss of his companion. But still compared the past week of thinking he had lost Stevie forever, that he would never get a chance to make things right, and never get a chance to ask her why, finding out his horse was dead hardly ranked on the scale.

Tess looked puzzled by his reaction, and he wondered if that's how they all thought of him now, some money hungry person who cared nothing for other people. He realised he could not blame anyone for thinking it. The last months it is how he had acted. It wasn't the money though that was behind his attitude and actions. True he had made a lot of money lately, and made sure that Drovers had not. But the money was redundant. It was Stevie he had done it for. To get to her. To show her how much she had hurt him. It was his warped way of showing her how much he cared for her, although he realised that would be difficult for most people to grasp. Stevie would understand it though, she always did understand him. She never gave up trying like most other people would have. He had rehearsed in the last week all the things he would say to her if she ever came back. But somehow it had not gone as he had anticipated. He needed help.

He had not been puzzled by Tess asking questions about him and Stevie. He expected it after the way things had disintegrated between Drovers and Killarney. He knew she would ask, but he had found no real answer for her. He decided finally that she had not been around, nor had Nick, and therefore had no right to ask and he would not feel bad for having no answers for her. What surprised him was the photographs Tess had bought with her, and the odd way she dropped the subject of him and Stevie and began asking questions about the past, about Claire and Grace and Stevie. And the dead girl. And him.

He sat silently throughout the interrogation. Truthfully and to his shame he really didnt know much about any of it. Had in fact forgotten that entire year of his life. It wasn't really anything that significantly affected him. The whole unfortunate business was never something he had associated in his own mind with Stevie either. Not the Stevie he knew today. He realised he didn't know her at all back then, not truly. He hadn't even known about Rose, hadn't known much at all. He wondered if anything had changed, maybe he did not know her now, certainly did not understand her and tonight only served to prove that. He wasn't about to tell Tess that he didn't know the answers to her questions, so instead he told her to drop it.

He hadn't ever even asked Stevie about any of it he realised now. He had of course asked Claire at the time. He had only asked once. She had refused to answer, and thrown Nicks rodeo accident in his face. She reminded him that there were things in his life he did not discuss with her, and that there were things in her own life she would not talk about with him. He left it alone after that, it didn't really matter. The girl was dead, and the guy disappeared, and Claire came back to him. And Stevie and Grace he had not thought twice about back then.

"We don't talk about it." Alex told Tess, feeling good for including himself in the we, as if he somehow knew something of interest to tell, as if it was something he and Stevie shared.

Tess laughed. How often she had heard these words. When will these people learn that they would not keep secrets from her? The truth was the only way to be set free, and she appointed herself in that moment as the person who would get to the truth, no matter what it took. Her reasons for asking somehow faded into the background, she only knew something was being kept from her for reasons she could not understand, and no matter what it took, she would get to the bottom of it.

She continued on her crusade for answers. "Tell me about him." Tess asked, pointing to the man in the photograph.

Alex shrugged. There was not a lot he knew. He didn't even remember the guys name, that's how insignificant that man was to him. He never had much to do with him, nor with any of the girls during that year. He never stopped to analyse the reasons behind it, they had just moved in different circles. Something he came to be glad for as time went on, that he was not too close to the things that happened then,

"He's Grace's cousin or something." Alex answered, trying to remember the exact thing he had been told. It was never something that interested him, not now and not then. But he felt pressured to say something.

"I am Grace's cousin." Tess answered.

"Well he is Claire's cousin then."

"That would make him my cousin." Tess replied

"Maybe he's Stevie's cousin." Alex suggested. He was sure he'd been told some story about somebody's cousin. He wondered why he had never bothered to find out more.

Alex was somewhat relieved when Tess gave up on that topic, realising that Alex knew as little as she.

"What was Stevie's sister like?" Tess aksed

"I dunno." He answered. He didn't know much of her truthfully. In fact he wasn't at all sure he even knew of her existence before she died.

"Like Stevie?" Tess asked

"Not really." Alex answered, thinking that he could not imagine a person on the planet that he would classify as being like Stevie.

"Like Michelle?"

"Not really." Alex answered again. Truthfully he didn't know all that much about Michelle either.

"Its like you , and Claire, and Jodi. You're all nothing alike." Alex answered finally.

Tess nodded, she could understand that well enough.

"What happened to her?" Tess asked.

"What does it matter now?" Alex answered her question with a question. He didn't know exactly what had happened even if he felt like sharing it with Tess.

"I just wondered. Stevie seemed so upset, about what happened to your horse, I just wondered if her sister died in a riding accident, you know at the rodeo?"

"No." Alex answered. Thinking it was odd of Tess to have given the matter any thought at all. "Let it go Tess. It's best left in the past."

"Did you know Grace? Back then?" Tess decided to change her direction before she lost his co operation all together.

"I knew of her." He answered. He couldn't recall actually knowing her or ever even having a conversation with her.

"Did you know she was Hugh's daughter?" Tess asked

"No." Alex answered. As the conversation went on his frustration grew at just how little he knew about everything.

"Did Claire know?"

"No." He answered. "I don't think so." Surely Claire would have mentioned that.

"Grace knew." Tess told him, still wondering why Grace would have kept that a secret all this time.

Alex shrugged. He didn't see what it mattered now. Not to him anyway.

"They all seem so very close, look at all these photos. And yet Claire never mentioned any of them, not until Stevie showed up at Drovers."

Alex had no answer for her. He did not understand women, and would not pretent he did. He hadn't spent a lot of time wondering about things that happened at that time in his life. It was all over quickly. Claire had come back to him. Stevie disappeared and reappeared every now and them. He had never thought twice about what happened to Grace.

"Regan, Are you awake?" Grace asked her sister as she stood in the doorway of her bedroom.

"No" Regan mumbled certainly, as she kept her eyes closed. She heard Grace walking towards her and felt her as she lay down on the bed. Regan sat up staring down at her sister who lay on her back staring at the ceiling in the semi darkness.

"Grace, what is wrong with you? Its 2 am". Regan had been awake. Awake all night in fact. She had been unable to sleep for most of the week, first worrying about Stevie and her sister, and then fighting with them, and then the strange business about the mine blast that ultimately made her decide to leave Drovers. Her head was filled with so many bad feelings she could no longer make sense of them.

"I have to talk to you." Grace said finally, not moving her gaze from the ceiling.

"You wanna talk now? " Regan asked incredulously. 'I've been questioning you for days, and now in the middle of the night you wanna talk?'

"I just said so, didn't I?" Grace answered, and then sighed. She was trying not to start an argument. She would have to try harder.

"Alright get it over with. What Grace? What do you want?" Regan asked impatiently, and Grace realised this would be more difficult than she realised. Regan lay down, preparing herself for what she expected to be a long conversation, and the two of them stared straight ahead to the roof, not willing to look at one another.

There was silence for what seemed like far too long and Regan was about to roll over and put a pillow over her head and go to sleep when Grace finally asked, "Do you ever think about Evan?" Her words came out quickly and quietly.

"Of course." Regan answered automatically. What kind of a stupid question was that? "Of course I do. Do we have to talk about this now?" 'I want to know where you've been, what is up with you and Stevie, why you won't talk to me,' she thought. 'I want to know what happened at Killarney, I don't want to talk about the past. The unforgettable, unchangeable, cold and distant past. Let it fade away.'

"Do you remember, before we left the house that day…" The sisters, although both remembered vividly that moment, had never voiced it aloud to each other. Regan never voiced it at all, Grace only once, and that was many years ago, to Cade.

"I remember." Regan said cutting her short, much to the relief of them both. Neither wanted to talk about that day in any detail.

"I knew we shouldn't have gone outside. I just knew it." There was no accusation in her voice, just sadness. She hadn't meant it to be an attack on Regan.

"Grace, you couldn't have possibly known what would happen. You were just a kid yourself. There is no point in talking about this now." Regan tried to convince her sister, and herself. Truthfully, she knew she would never forgive herself for not listening to Grace that day.

"Maybe." Grace conceded. Maybe there truly was no point talking about this, it wouldn't change anything. Maybe she hadn't even known what she was scared of on that snowy day. "But I knew we should have stayed inside."

"How? How did you know that Grace?" Regan asked her, genuinely curious but inpatient and disturbed by the direction of the conversation.

"Just knew." She answered, unable to explain it any more than that. Maybe it was stupid, she was a kid, the whole thing was stupid. And bringing it up was not easy. She hadn't done it just to upset Regan, she was trying to make a point. But as the conversation progressed Grace began to realise she had missed her mark by far, and each word was only moving her further away and alienating her sister.

"You don't believe me. You didn't then, you don't now. You don't believe the things I tell you." Grace said, still trying not to sound like she blamed Regan, either for Evans untimely death, or for the fact that she bestowed no trust in her younger sister. Neither were Regan's fault alone.

"I don't believe the things you tell me?" Regan repeated this to herself, considering it for a moment. "Maybe, Grace. That's because you never tell me anything!" Regan answered, "You and Stevie tell me nothing. What 'things' are you talking about?" After a silence, Regan rolled over facing away from her sister. "Don't you think I wished I hadn't gone outside that day, that I hadn't taken Evan outside? Don't you think I'd change it if I could? That I'd give anything to change it? I can't change it, YOU can't. There is no point in talking about this." First Evan, and then those men at the mines. It might not have seemed like a lot to anyone else, but to Regan in that moment it seemed death was stalking her. And she wondered who would next fall victim to her curse. Maybe neither of those incidents were strictly her fault, but somehow she was connected, and she could never quite shake that from her conscience. She had taken Evan out in the snow. She had ordered that blast. Nothing else seemed relevant.

"I didn't mean it like that, Regan." Grace quickly assured her sister. Regan hadn't done anything wrong that day. Everyone had told her that. But most of them had wondered secretly what had really happened to Evan. Grace hadn't realised how much Regan had thought about it, regretted it, blamed herself. Not until this moment. Regan had always seemed as though she didn't care. This revelation shocked Grace. She was glad in a way, glad not to be alone in her terrible grief and guilt, nightmares, memories, and regrets. But also sad about all those years she and Regan had drifted further and further apart after Evan's death. Why had they let it divide them and not unite them?

Grace finally turned her gaze from the ceiling towards her sister. She couldn't see her face, but the devastation in Regan's voice told her everything she needed to know. It was as if Grace was looking right into her sister's soul, and she wondered why she had never seen it before, why she had never stopped to look. And even so, Regan had invited her here to Drovers. Grace felt she had done little to deserve it. Regan had always been like that. Always the one giving, and Grace always taking.

"How exactly did you mean it, then?" Regan asked her still looking away, defensive and hurt, and just about to reach the limit of what she was prepared to tolerate.

Grace paused. It wasn't fair to use Evan like this, but she didn't know any other way. "Don't leave. Not now." Grace asked her sister. "Please."

"You're not making sense, Grace. And what's it to you anyway?" Regan asked, puzzled that Grace would ask her to stay.

"You're my sister." Grace said uncomfortably, trying to sound convincing. "I'd miss you. There, I said it. Happy now?"

"You managed without me for all these years. I'm sure you and Stevie will be just fine." She tried to hide the bitterness in her voice. She wasn't sure of what she had just said, but in any case she was tired of babysitting them, tired of cleaning up their mess, fixing their troubles and being left out of whatever stupid games they were playing.

"That's exactly it Now we've hooked up again after all this time, you wanted me to come here Regan, and for the first time in ages we finally get to know each other again, and now you can't wait to leave. I don't want that…" Grace spoke the truth. She would regret a lot if Regan left now. She just hadn't planned telling it aloud to Regan. Yes, Graces spoke the truth, but not the whole truth. And she had planned on this conversation going quite differently. But something in Regan's voice made her stop short and reconsider her words. Something in seeing Beth's photo had reminded her life was so short and sisters not replaceable.

Suddenly Grace thought back on the early days at Drover's. How Regan had wanted her to be a part of it so much, and yet Grace had acted so coldly towards her. Deep down she was thrilled that Regan wanted her. Beyond Thrilled. Why didn't Regan see that? Regan had always seen everything no matter what Grace had said. Maybe Grace was asking too much after all this time. Grace felt bad that Regan was upset with her and Stevie. But there was nothing she could do about that. Stevie had put her in an awkward position asking her to keep quiet. Grace was far from sure it was the right thing, or that it was worth sacrificing her sister for, but she saw no alternative at that point.

So Grace swallowed her pride. It was 2am, and she finally told her sister what she had been trying to get out all along. "I don't want you to go Regan. You didn't listen to me, back then, that day in the snow. Please listen to me now. Don't go. I can't explain why. But you can't go now." It wasn't a fair thing to ask and under normal circumstances Grace wouldn't have asked it. She would have possibly told Regan she might miss her a tiny bit, and wished her well on her way.

Regan was somewhat shocked to hear this from Grace. Shocked she had brought Evan into the conversation, shocked that Grace would miss her, and even more so that Grace would admit it and ask her to stay. Grace almost seemed like that little girl, the girl she had been before Evan had died, the little girl who looked up to Regan as if she could save the world. And yes, Grace was looking up to her just exactly like she had that very day, asking something of her, something with no reason. Asking it desperately.

Under different circumstances she might have humoured her sister. But something was very wrong here. It was not at all like Grace to ask Regan to stay, to admit she was going to miss her, especially after the last few weeks. Regan hoped and wanted to believe it was true that Grace would miss her, but she thought she could see through her words. There was something else behind it. And she was tired of these games, tired of not understanding what was going on. And she did not believe for a second that some terrible tragedy would befall Drovers if she left. In fact she suspected the opposite.

"You can't explain because you don't know, or can't you explain because you don't want to?" Regan asked.

"Cant explain 'cause I cant." Grace answered, not willing to concede on that point.

"You make it hard for me when I don't understand what is going on. You can't expect me to change my life at the drop of a hat because you say so. And bringing Evan into it is really low, Grace. You'll have to do a lot better than that."

Grace had no answer for that. Yes all the secrets made things hard right now, yes it was unfair to bring Evan into it. But Grace had nothing better to offer. Regan was waiting for an answer that never came. Grace could not explain, and Regan would not give in to her without a reason. She knew Grace was keeping something important from her. Grace had no words left to try and convince her sister. But she hadn't left the room as Regan expected.

They lay together in silence side by side until they fell asleep. First Regan with more questions than answers, her mind clouded with confusion, guilt, and fear, anger, jealousy and regret. And no one to talk about these things with. Not her sister, not her best friend. It was like it had been before she came to Drovers, just her and her alone. She closed her eyes and decided it was for the best that she left Drovers. She didn't know what Grace had been up to, but she wasn't going to fall right into the middle of it. She didn't belong here any longer, that was all there was to it. And she had to know what exactly had happened to those men at the mine. She would always question herself about Evan, about what she could have done differently. But perhaps she could find some absolution from the guilt of those mining deaths. And she wished that someone would care enough to ask her so that she could explain it. But no one did.

Grace, not wanting to leave the moment, but completely stuck as to what to say, had pretended she had fallen asleep for so long that she actually fell asleep listening to her sister's rhythmic breathing. When Grace was a child she had used to climb into Regan's bed when she had a night mare. She never admitted she had been spooked by a dream. 'I'm cold' she'd say, or 'I feel sick', and Regan would never turn her away. 'Its just a dream,' Regan would whisper, somehow knowing the truth without Grace having to say it. Grace longed for those days when Regan could read her every thought now. If she still could, then things wouldn't be so complicated now. If Regan could still read minds and chase away all the bad things and save the world, then everything would be ok. For everyone.

"Why didn't you tell us it was your birthday?" Kate asked, peering over Tayler's shoulder in the early hours of the morning as she read the note taped to her door.

"It's not my birthday." Tayler replied curtly.

"Oh, are you sure?" Kate asked.

"I think I know my own birthday." Tayler snapped. She had been in a foul mood since Regan's announcement. Tayler decided it would have been better not to come here at all, than to make this place her home and have to lose it. Surely Stevie and Grace wouldn't want her hanging around. They only put up with her because of Regan. Tayler didn't really blame them. She had been a troubled young girl when she arrived. She was trouble. Always had been, always would be. And the others didn't want any trouble on Drover's. She would have been better off to stay as that stupid bitter kid, than to let people into her life again. She would be sure not to make that mistake twice.

She stared at the note, puzzled. Not by the fact that it wasn't her birthday, but by the nick name. No one had called her than since she was a small girl. She had liked it then, now it seemed foolish. It was her mother and father who had used that nick name for her. No one else. Who would even think to call her peanut? Her father was dead. There was only one explanation, it was from her mother. Tayler nodded her head, that would make sense. Trust her own mother not to remember her birthday. She probably couldn't remember Tayler's name either, hence the stupid childish nickname. And she wondered why her mother would bother tracking her down after all this time. And if she had gone to all that bother, why tack a tatty note scrawled hastily to her door? Would a card be too much to ask? On the right date?

She supposed it was too much to ask. Too much to ask for a mother who cared anything about her. Too much to ask Regan to care. Regan owed her nothing. If Regan wanted to leave Tayler couldn't stop her. And apparently Regan did want to leave. Soon. Tayler figured maybe Stevie and Grace would leave too, last week she had decided they were never coming back. In her life experience people didn't come back. Stevie and Grace had surprised her. But it was too much to hope that Regan would come back too. She couldn't decide if it would be worse to be fired and have to leave this place, or to have everyone else leave her behind and be stuck out here in the middle of no place on her own. Maybe it was best to cut her losses and move on.

Tayler tried to convince herself that her mother did not matter to her. That Regan did not matter. That Regan owed her nothing, least of all love and acceptance. Regan had been kind enough already offering her a job and a place to stay. To expect more was obviously unreasonable, otherwise Regan wouldn't just up and leave like that. Tayler glanced one last time at the letter. Only a few short days ago she would have taken this letter to Regan, and told her about it, about her mother's childish nick name. And Regan would have listened to her as she wondered about the stupid letter and talked about her mother, and cried for the happy family that she had always longed for and never had. But that wouldn't happen now. Regan didn't care anymore. Tayler was on her own. She ripped up the letter throwing the pieces carelessly to the ground, and hurried after Kate to start the day's chores. Neither of them saw the man who had been carefully watching them as he followed behind.


	17. Chapter 17

Grace thought a lot of Evan in the past week. She had never been pre occupied with him before, although his memory was always there at the back of her mind. Being here with Regan had bought back too many memories. Or was it Tess going on about Claire that made Grace remember her lost sibling? Or those stupid photos reminding her of Beth. She wanted nothing more than to leave here, things would get better if she left. But she had promised to Stevie that she would not.

She sat and finally gave in, trying to fill in her memories. She knew she made parts up. Because sometimes they were at the park, sometimes in the yard, she had no memory of going anywhere else. But she had flashes of a place, a place that was neither in the yard or the park. Unfamiliar sights and sounds and smells, shouting, darkness, Evan kicking her and pulling him to the ground, and Regan nowhere in sight. Grace wondered if she had hurt him, been cruel to him right before he died. He seemed so little and she so big, although he had been only a year younger at the time.

She tried to think. For the first time in a long time. She had spent her life trying not to see it. She couldnt make out where that place was or why she was there or why Regan was not. She told herself she was finally going crazy, that she was imagining things, and there was no strange dark place. She told herself to forget it and never look back. But for now she was stuck. Between the past and the future.

She could get out of here, just forget Stevie and run. Why not? Regan was. Grace felt guilty because she suspected that she was part of the reason behind Regan wanting to leave. It was Regan's home and it was so wrong for her to leave. It was Regan who could help Stevie, it was Regan she had come looking for that night. Grace was all to aware that she promised Stevie she would not say a word to anyone. But as time went on, Grace wanted desperatly to disentangle herself from this place, these people. Regan belonged here, she would fix everyone's problems, and then Grace could just leave. It was the only way. It was how it was supposed to be, Grace gone and Regan here. So with that it was decided. She would confess everything to her sister. Stevie wouldn't be pleased, not at first, but it was all for the best in the end. Or so Grace told herself.

Regan too had been plagued by memoreis of her younger brother in recent days. She questioned herself daily about what had happened to that little boy. She hated herself for the choices she made. She was young and foolish but she hadn't intended any harm to anyone. She tried to remind herself of that. She really thought it was the right thing, that she was keeping Grace and Evan safe. She hadn't sent them off expecting or wanting anything to happen to either of them that day. She tried to tell herself that.

That day was so cold, crisp, dreary, quiet and still. It was a stark contrast to the hot, desolate, dusty, noisy day of the accident at the mine site. Those were her two experiences with death. So different and yet so alike in that she felt herself completely responsible. Why now was it coming back to haunt her when she had managed to push it aside for so long?

It had been a long long day. She waited too long. She blamed herslef for that. _When she had felt safe enough to move, she lifted her eyes. Everything had changed. The sky was dark, hours had gone by. Snow had covered her tracks and she could not remember the way she had run. Finally she took a deep breath, the cold air making her lungs ache. She was the eldest and in charge of the younger ones. She had to get her act together. She picked a direction and starter walking. She called out to Grace, over and over. She began to get frustrated, wondering if Grace and Evan were hiding for fun, playing a tick, or had they gone home without her. She was so angry with them for making her worry, and yet at the same time her hands were trembling not from the cold but from fear._

_Regan pictured clearly him lying in the snow, cold, still, blue, eyes open but empty. She knew he was not pretending, that particular child was not capable of being that still, that quiet. Regan supposed she should have run to him then tried to do something, wrap him in her jacket, run home to her parents. She knew he was dead, that it was hopeless. Not because he was so still she now realised, but because she had put him there in that spot. She had lay him gently in the snow right in the place. The snow was falling, falling hard, but he was not covered with it, although soon he would be. _

As as she looked back and saw her young self standing staring at him, she remembered for the first time in a long time, that she had been the one to lie him there. She had stood up staring down at him as if it would somehow make him live. She had carried him there, in the snow, holding him close. He was so terribly cold and still and heavy. Even then she couldnt reconcile this ghastly cold creature in her arms with warm happy cheeky littly brother she adored. She tried to hold him close and bring him alive but with no success. It was the most unfair thing that haunted her to this day, that she could not do that for him, that she must live with it, and without him. It was just not right.

_She carried him and lay him down, staring at him. She stopped herself from reaching forward and touching him. It wasnt him, he was gone. Touching that cold lifeless thing was the last thing she wanted. Even though she wanted so badly to straighten his crooked hat and brush his curls out of his eyes. She closed her own eyes and imagined herself doing it. But she stood still, staring down at her baby brother in the snow and did not move. _

She had always led her parents to believe that Evan had wandered out of the house alone in the snow that day. She knew somehow that Grace didn't believe it, But she never questioned it. Not aloud. Regan always knew she had taken him outside. That she should not have because Grace told her not to. She knew he was dead because of that. But the rest of the details she had allowed to disapear. Only now she remembered walking with the dead child putting him there alone in the cold. And now that she started to remember she could not stop.

Again the scene came to her head, walking with that cold child in her arms, so heavy but she kept her pace. _This time she looked and saw Grace trailing behind them. Grace didnt take her eyes off Regan, looking to her for answers and direction. And Regan had nothing to offer. Not then and not now. So they both walked quickly throught the snow as the light disappeared. And then when they came to that spot, without speaking, Regan lay the boy down in the snow. _

_Grace then did what Regan would not. She sat next to him, kissed him, called his name. She knew also he was gone, knew it before she touched him so cold and he didnt answer her. But she called to him anyway. As if she could wake him with her demands. She was a child used to getting what she asked for. She sat in disbelief that there was something she wanted and could not have. _

_She sat stubbornly refusing to come when Regan had called her. Refusing to leave him alone in the snow. Regan wanted nothing more than to leave him, to go away and pretend its was not happeneing. There was nothing she could do for him now. But Regan would not allow Grace to stay there, sitting in the cold dark snow. She would bring one child back alive and safe. One child she would hold close and feel the warmth and tuck safely into bed. She dragged her sister away with some difficulty. Grace was smaller, but determined, and she kicked and screamed the whole way._

_When they returned to the house to see their parents car not there, Regan did know know if she was relieved or not. She was not surprised, it was not unusual. Her sisters piercing screams were somehow comforting, and she stopped trying to silence her. She would give anything to hear Evan screaming that way. She pushed Grace in the door, took her hat and coat and snow clothes away. Grace stopped and stood still and stunned while Regan pushed her up the stairs. Grace was as lifeless as Evan in that moment. The house was not much warmer than the outside They had been gone long and the fire had gone out. Her parents would be mad, Regan remembered thinking, and breifly enjoyed that moment of life where the worst thing she would have to worry about is being punished for letting the fire go out. She picked Grace up and put her into bed. She refused to look down at the pleading eyes she knew were staring up at her. She pulled the covers up, satisfied she had kept this child warn and safe and locked the door and went downstairs._

_It was not as if Regan had meant anything to happen to him. It wasn't like she planned or wanted this to happen. But she would surely get the blame, for taking him outside in the snow. He was gone and she knew nothing would bring him back. There seemed no point to telling the truth now. So she hid the evidence. For herself, and for Grace, she made it like it never happened. She felt momentarily bad for blaming Evan for going outside on his own. He was not the sort of child that would have done a thing like that. He was cheeky, but obedient. And scared to go out on his own. He had always been looking over his shoulder to make sure one of his sisters was there. And he could not even put on his own boots. But their mother would not know that. She never dressed him. She hardly spent a minute with him. Who would question Regan's version of events? Who would have reason to? _  
_  
Regan had never stopped to blame her parents, or wonder where they were or why they weren't there that day. They weren't ever there. It was always Regan who had taken responsibility for the younger children. It did not occur to her at the time that her parents might have some responsibility too._

She tried so hard that night not to think of her brother lying in the cold snow. Instead she thought of Grace, warm in bed and sound asleep. In the moring she would tell Grace that all the things that happened were a bad dream. To stop herself getting into trouble partly, but mostly to protect Grace from feeling this bad, from wondering and remembering, and seeing that haunting dead stare on the boys face. She would tell Grace that Evan had gone to a nice warm happy place for little boys, and both she and Grace would forget all about the things they had seen and heard.

_Regan had planned to wait until the morning, and pretend she hadn't noticed the boy gone. Let his mother find him, poor little boy needs his mother now. But as the minutes went on, she could not stand to leave him out there in the dark in the snow. In her mind she heard him calling to her._

She had been so anxious to get home and now she did not know why. She did not feel safe here. Eventually she had run next door, seeking a grown up person to take over from everything. A little boy Evan's age answered the door. She asked to speak to his parents, and told them that Evan had wandered out of the house and she could not find him. The father went to look for him, and the mother and her little boy who was not Evan, took Regan back home.

Regan did not know the womans name, or the little boys, or why the woman was in her kitchen making hot chocolate and smiling and being kind. Regan did not know why this woman was here doing these things and not her own mother. Regan couldn't remember how long her mother and father had been gone, nor where they had gone to. It didn't matter. They weren't here much. They weren't needed. Except for today. Regan had no answer for the woman, but the woman just smiled and played with her hair, and told Regan not to worry.

_Several neighbours from the street joined in the search. It was taking them all so long, he wasnt far away. Regan wanted to scream at them where to find him, so that he would finally be rescued from the cold and the dark. He hated the dark. The little boy from next door fell asleep on Evan's favourite bean bag. And it seemed so wrong. Regan wanted to yank him by his hair and tell him to get off. She hated that little boy for sleeping so warm in Evans place, and hated herself for hating him. And hated that woman who was not her mother in the kitchen doing things her own mother never would. And saying 'Dont worry he will be home soon, maybe he is visiting the neighbours'. She wanted to scream he was never coming home. But she did not. And she would have to live with that as much as the fact that she had lost him, that she had hidden so many things. _

_Finally she went upstaris and climbed into bed with her sister, the warm breathing living child. Regan was determined not to let anything hurt this one person she had left that she was supposed to protect. She decided to let Grace always be as peaceful as she looked now in sleep, to make it all fade away. Thats why they had never mentioned the things that happened. Ever. No matter how many times Regan had wanted to ask and fill in the missing pieces. She hoped Grace was too young to rememember it. At the very least Grace was too young to understand it, and hopefully in time the rest would be forgotten._

As Grace went about her chores absentmindedly, she could not control the memories of that snowy day. She remembered some things so clearly. Fighting with Evan, crying and holding Regans hand and begging Regan to take them inside. Why had she been so scared? There must have been a reason.

She remembered nothing of following behind Regan all that way home as Regan carried the dead boy through the snow, nothing of sitting and kissing his cold tiny cheek or screaming and kicking as Regan dragged her home. She did not remember not being put into bed, or falling asleep. She remembered only waking up, that next day, with Regan next to her, and so glad she was. So glad it wasnt Regan or her who was gone, so guilty for being glad. She remembered Regan telling her to shut up, rememberd that silent breakfast, her parents and Jasmine who were never home, were home. There was something wrong in that even after all the hours she had speant wishing they would pay her more attention.

She remembered the last thing seeing Evan run off happily into the snow, remebered her heart pounding, involuntary tears streaming down her face, begging Regan to come inside. She didn't remember why or what happned next. She didn't want to. She knew only that it was better not to talk about it or think about it, and that she felt both guilty for her own part in it and angry at Regan. Unable to make sense of it, she pushed the entire event far away and Regan with it. And that was how she came to be alone in the world. Her parents had never shown any interest, and Jasmine was so much older with nothing in common. Jasmine still thought her a stupid kid, and she thought Jasmine stuck up and petty. Her little brother was gone, and Regan the only one she really wanted and needed to love her, the only one who ever really did, was gone too.

And it was all fine that way until she came to Drovers Run.

Her mind kept wandering back to that day. To Evan in the yard playing, watching him from the steps, watching him and Regan build a snow man, sulking because she wanted to go inside, brushing the cold icy snow from her face and shivering. Watching them both so jealous of him because Regan used to play with her like that.

Grace had always known deep down that it was her fault. She had liked to blame Regan, Regan took them out, and she didnt listen. And She liked to blame her parents, because they were not there. But Grace knew that she hated Evan in that moment, and that somehow that made it her fault that he was now gone.

_She remembered running, somewhere not in their yard. Dragging his chubby hand along, shouting. She was cold and scared and tired. And Regan pushing them to hide in a dark place. And Regan leaving them, alone in the dark cold place. Evan crying, he was such a baby. And Grace was not the motherly type like Regan who could stop his tears with comforting ways. Grace had tried to put on her best voice to sound like Regan. She told the crying child that Regan would be back soon, although she was not altogether sure of that. She whispered to that boy so quietly, Regan had told her to be quiet. And Grace was quiet. It was him that was crying, Regan's precious boy child who could do no wrong. He was the one who would not be quiet. He was tired and scared and cold, and Grace was too. More than once she had fallen and scraped her knees. She wanted to scream that Regan better come back right now and get them out of this dark place or...or what? What could she do about it? Nothing, only wait and hide and be quiet like Regan had told them. She pulled the boy onto her lap to keep the both of them warm. She was only a year older than he, but he had always been small, and Regan had always babied him. _

_Grace heard footsteps outside. She reached to cover his mouth before he had even thought of making a sound. She wondered if it was Regan, but didnt think so. But who was it then? And where was Regan? Regan knew she was scared of the dark and always had been, Regan knew that she couldnt make Evan stop crying. But Regan still shoved her into this dark hole with a noisy baby to kep quiet. Grace could not tell the time even if she had a watch, she had never cared much for time. She could hear voices outside. She heard her own heart poubding but she tried to be calm for Evan, to be brave like Regan would have been. _

_Evan grew more restless and Grace shoved her mitten into his mouth to keep him silent. She could hear footsteps outside, unfamiliar noises, she could feel the hot tears streaming down his cheeks. She used all her effort to pull him close to her as he wriggled and fought. She kept his head pressed against herself, desperatly trying to keep him quiet. Her own finders were going numb since she had taken off her mitten and put it into his mouth. Grace was pleased with herself when Evan stopped struggling against her, and she no longer needed her whole strength to contain him. Her forceful ways were different from Regan's gentle caring mother type ways, but they had been effective._

_Still strange noises continued. Dogs barking, running footsteps, paper crumpling, something scraping in the snow. Grace felt the sense of danger, and tried not to be scared. She was the one in charge while Regan was gone, and she would do what she had been told and keep the boy quiet. She held him tightly as he grew weaker in her arms. She no longer heard him groaning as he tried to cry out. And there she had sat, silently, and waited for Regan to find them._

These memories didn't shock her, for somehow she had known it all along. Known that she had been the one who had killed her baby brother. And just like she could not shut that crying boy up, she knew she could not help Stevie anymore. Secrets in her own life were one thing, but other peoples secrets were not something she wanted to be a part of. Regan would have been able to keep that boy quiet, and safe, and alive, and Regan would know just what to do for Stevie. It didn't cross Grace's mind that Regan would not understand. Maybe she wouldn't, not in the sense that she could put herslef in the situation. But Regan wouldnt not make judgememts or react badly as Stevie feared. Grace knew it. Somehow she had 100 percent faith in her sister, that she would know what the right thing is, and do it. It wasn't realisitc or fair, but it was how Grace saw it.

Grace had tried hard, like that day putting her mitten in her brothers mouth as she held him down while he died fighting and gasping for air in her arms. She tried to do the right thing by Stevie but look what happened. Regan would have only had to look at that boy and put her finger to her lips and he would have stayed still and silent for her. Regan had this perfect way of doing everything. And Grace had no hesitation to dump the whole mess of the past week onto her. She wrote it in a note, being too ashamed to face Regan and too frightened to face Stevie after breaking her promise. Quickly and concisely she jotted down the main points, figuring Stevie would fill in the rest. Regan wouldnt leave, not after she read it, not after seeing how upset Tayler was, not after Grace had disappeared. It was the perfect way to solve everything, Grace was now sure of that. Quickly and quietly Grace packed a few of her things, and bolted .


End file.
